Honestly...

I wrote this the other night:

If I were being completely honest with you, completely honest with myself for that matter, I would tell you that I am not as close to God as people think I am. I would tell you that I am not as close to God as I would like to be. I would tell you that I have begun to slip away.

Now, when I say that I have begun to slip away, I do not mean in the sense that I have fallen so far that I have to start anew, but rather I have tasted and I have seen the goodness of God and people like me should not fall away like this.

This summer, when God gave me Matthew 23 and kept drawing me back to it day after day, I knew He was calling me to remind Christians of the message in it. I knew He was solidifying a hatred for hypocrisy and contradiction within the church. What I didn’t know was that I was at such a risk of falling into this myself.

Woe to you teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites!

Oh, how that penetrates me to the inmost portion of my soul. I am that Pharisee, I am that hypocrite.

I think the words of Paul in Romans 7 best describe my current state of being. He says, “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.”

I don’t think I could have stated it more eloquently myself.

I guess all I can leave you with is this. I am human. I will fall, I will mess up, and for some reason God loves me. I am His beloved, even though I cannot wrap my feeble mind around why He would desire me. I am a negligent lover, a child who forgets to call, but He loves me. It’s amazing. I just need to be reminded of this incredible fact more often.

God, thank you for Your grace and love.