Tonight, as I lay in my bed, my mind has been drifting about, thinking about different struggles, different instances in my life, and all sorts of frustrations that can bog me down if I let them.
As my mind wandered, it flitted upon a statement that it grabbed hold of and ran with.
Men are unreliable.
It is something that every once and a while will glance across my mind, but I am usually able to suppress with thoughts of the wonderful men in my life, but tonight, for some strange reason, it has taken wings and flown in circles about my mind like a vulture circling its prey.
The vulture cried out to me about Jon, the boy that promised me so much, and failed to bring any of those promises to fruition. Oh, how I long to just not care about it any more. I pray to become indifferent towards him, after all, that is better than allowing his mere existence to break me down. And yet his failings have added to the vulture's cry.
It mentioned my father. A man who has never been a stable figure in my life. Someone who I have fought more with and has been the root of much frustration, mostly because I do love him so dearly. But, even through that love, so many of his actions throughout my childhood and teenage years screamed out that fathers were not to be trusted. That men are so very unreliable. And so the cry of that vulture grows louder.
Then it circles around to David. A man who should not be on this list, and yet my mind stuck him there. He was a father figure that was as fathers should be. He would have given his right arm to ensure the mental, emotional, physical safety of me and my brother. Although he was not perfect, he loved fully and gave of the deepest part of himself. But my mind claims, what that vulture in my mind cries out, is that his death, though it was nothing of his own doing, proves further the unreliability of men.
And so that vulture circles, crying:
Men are unreliable.
Men are unreliable.
Men are unreliable....
It is not something that I want to thing.
In fact, everything in my being bucks against the thought.
And yet, tonight, whether it just be my current emotional state or if it is simply where I am at in my healing process for the time being, I cannot shake it.
So friends, pray for me.
Because, I need to know that it is all worth it.
1 comment:
Oh my Sweet Girl,
The reality and truth of life is that "people" are unreliable. They WILL let you down.....because we are NOT perfect and ARE human. We fail and fall short. I believe that most people don't mean to fail the ones they love, but in some cases it is unavoidable. In other cases we get caught up in our own selfishness and don't care who we hurt to get what we want. That all being said.....you know that there is one "man" who will NEVER fail you. His word says so and His actions prove it. That is what we lean on and that is what gives us a reason to go on. When others fail us, He will be there to pick us up and love us through it. It is really up to you to trust Him enough to guide you, direct you, give you wisdom and discernment when dealing with others. That you CAN TRUST. Don't allow the "vultures" to rob you of your joy and all that God intends to bless you with. Don't allow them to cause so much fear in you that you don't ever allow another to capture your heart. You are so amazing and incredibly loving. There is someone out there who will fall in love with who you are and all that God created you to be. Just wait and see.
I adore you!
Mama
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