Little Things

It's the little things that brighten my days.
Tiny specks of light that appear in otherwise grey days.
They glitter and sparkle, draw my attention from the bleakness.
A new fall jacket
The changing of leaves
A part in a friend's play
A warm cup of coffee on a cool day
The crazy curls and waves that now adorn my head
A hug from a friend
It's when I can see these lights, when I can divert my thoughts from dimmness and drabbery, that I can let my own light shine through.
I guess I can only hope that I can be a little sparkle, a little bitty light, to someone I love on a bleak day of theirs.
That those tiny joys in my mind can congeal together to shine just a little brighter through my eyes.
A girl randomly handed me a card on the path today.
All it said was:
"Optimism can be so tiring and difficult, but it is worth it. CHOOSE joy today. Happiness is found in the little things."

True Love Waits

I've been playing more and more with the idea of getting a tattoo.
I have wanted for a long time now to make my body a canvas that I can add pieces of art or reminders of God's love to.
I have not gotten one up to this point mostly because of the desire to look professional when entering the work force, and making sure that it is actually something that I want to do.
But there is one that has been eating at my mind for the past month and a half, one that I think would be good for me in my healing process.
I have been thinking about getting the phrase "True Love Waits" in Hebrew tattooed on my left ring finger, right where a wedding band will one day sit.
There are two main reasons why I believe this would be good for me.
First off, it would be a constant reminder of how I want to be completely sure the next time a man comes into my life.
I want to be sure that I can love him unconditionally for all time, and that he will love me just as much, if not more.
I want to be sure before I give him my heart completely.
It would be a reminder that I don't want to give my heart away again and again, only to have it be broken.
It would be a reminder to not discuss marriage before the time has come that we are both one hundred percent sure that marriage is truly where we will end up.
After all, if it is true love, I should be willing to wait, as should he.
True love waits.
Secondly, the language that it would be written in is very near and dear to my heart.
My wonderful stepfather was working on becoming fluent in Hebrew when he passed.
One of the last times I saw him, he attempted to say the Hebrew alphabet for me.
He had a ring, that my brother now wears, that had Song of Solomon 6:3, "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine," in Hebrew on it.
It would be a reminder of him.
He would be able to be remembered when I get engaged, when I get married.
He would be present in a way.
And, it would be like him saying to me, like he so often did, "My Paigie girl, you need to wait for the best man for you."
It would come full circle.
Reminding me of my stepfather, of where God has me now, the man He is bringing me.
When I get married, the ring will cover it, and it won't show for the rest of my life.
I don't know when or if I will ever get around to getting it done.
(And my mama will have to approve first too)  ;)
But, the idea is beautiful in my mind...

Secret Admirer?

Today I got an email notifying me that there was a package waiting for me in the mailroom.
Curious, I thought to myself, heading over to pick it up.
I wasn't expecting anything in the mail, and part of me was hoping it was some sort of fluke, an error in the email system.
But, sure enough, I had a package of  Sharpies, not wrapped, no note, simply the package of Sharpies with my name on it.
I couldn't help myself, I started to laugh.
I said to the lady working in the mailroom, "I don't know who would have done this!"
She had a gleam in her eye, giggled a little bit.
"Did they just come and drop this off here?" I inquired.
She laughed a little bit more and said, "If I say anything I could get in trouble!" and walked off laughing.

So, three hours later, I still have not opened the package.
It has been puzzling me so much all afternoon.
Who sent them to me?
Should I open them?
What if it's some creepy guy who is stalking me?
What if it's some sweet, wonderful, secret admirer?
The person obviously has been paying attention because this type of pen was the only kind I used all last year.
Or is it a noob who simply knows who to ask the right questions?
It's crazy to let it get to me like this, but I MUST KNOW!!!!!!
Hopefully someone comes out soon....

I Don't Want a Boy

I don't want a boy pretending to be a man.
I don't want a boy with immature feelings.
A boy who is in his mid-twenties acting like he's still a teenager.
I don't want a boy.
I don't want a boy who would rather play video games than have an insightful conversation.
I don't want a boy who can't do what's right because it's too hard.
A boy who gives up when things get too rough.
I don't want a boy.
I don't want a boy who makes promises he cannot keep.
I don't want a boy who won't fully give his heart away.
A boy who is afraid to love.
I don't want a boy.


I want a man.
I want a man who just is.
I want a man who can express what is really going on beneath the surface.
A man, no matter what age, acts like a man.
I want a man.
I want a man who still likes to have fun, but would like to go for a walk rather than play Oblivion.
I want a man who will step up and do what is right, no matter the difficulty.
A man who will endure trials.
I want a man.
I want a man who does what he says he will.
I want a man who will completely give his heart to me.
A man that will love me with everything in his being, second only to God.

I want a man.
And I will wait for a man.

Maybe I'm a Hippie....

I had an interesting discussion with a friend of mine tonight about Christianity that may just make you think I am a flower-child.

We were talking about the importance of love in the everyday walk; the importance of grace versus legalism.

When I think about my Christian walk, I simply have to say that it is the times I have defined my relationship with Christ as a journey of love that I have felt closest to Him.

Those times when I let Him romance to me, those are my most intimate experiences with God.
And, I can't help it, when I get to talk about His love, those are the times that I can't stop myself.
He is my lover.
I could go on and on about His love, His grace, how He romances me...
I think at times this can be a foreign concept to the church.
We get caught up in the legalism of Christianity far too easily.
It's a power struggle that each of us has to deal with.
Christianity is so interesting in the sense that we can't do ANYTHING to win God's love....
We discussed how this can be both a relief and stressful at the same time.
It can be a relief in the sense that we think, "Wow, I don't have to do anything to get God to love me! He just LOVES ME for who I am!"
But at the same time, we stress out about it.
We are such creatures of control.
We want to be able to control our own fate, our own destiny, to be assured in His love because we deserve it.
It makes us weak when we realize this, and it's definitely a struggle to let someone love us in such a helpless state.
And, honestly, I think it's that way because we know we don't deserve His love...
Another issue I see with this approach is that we often associate words like "lover" or "romance" to a simply human expression.
For some reason it has become something that is not divine in our minds.
"Romance" is going on a date or when someone brings you flowers, not usually associated with how God relates to us.
But, when you dig down deep into the Bible, into the heart of God, into the Gospel, you find love at the root of everything.
How many times have we heard God described as love?
Or you look at when Jesus broke the ten commandments down into two; love God, love others.
My friend made a comment, something that I have thought for a while, that every sin is basically falling short of the love we should be showing God or showing to each other.
Think about that for a second.
Just about every hurt, every issue that we have had with someone, every sin that has been committed against us... they all go back to a break in love.
Who ever thought it would be so hard to love?
So, maybe I will be labeled a hippie, and maybe deep down inside I am, but I would rather live a life full of God's love and let that love overflow into those around me, to become so weak in myself that all that is left is the love of God, to lose myself in His love, than to live a life where I feel powerful in legalism and yet not love...
God, give me love or give me nothing.

To Write, or Not to Write....

I feel as though a great deal of my blogging has been cut off since David's death in April.
I think that a good portion of that has to do with my desire not to make this a shrine or a memorial to him.
I don't want to constantly drone on about my loss and how I am walking through that with the help of my God, my family, my boyfriend, and my friends.
Something inside of me says that you would not be interested in reading about that. (Though why you would truly be interested in reading my musings in the first place is beyond me.)
So, with that desire in mind, it is hard for me to find things to write about once again.
Part of me thinks that the writing process would maybe help me, make me find my voice once again, and maybe that would be worth it.
And yet, part of me does not want to have to look back over these posts and read what I was walking through this summer when I look at them again years from now.
Do you blame me?
Who really wants to relive by rereading their mourning process?
Reread the things that you felt and mulled over in the months after a searing loss?

I know someday I will come back and be able to write lighthearted joyful posts about the experiences I am having, the laughter Jon and I share, the funny things I get myself into.
Someday I will come back to writing posts on what God is speaking to my heart, things that I feel need to be shared with my generations.
But for now, I think I still need a break.
Take comfort though, because who knows what tomorrow may bring.
I may be surprised by an experience or by something that God reveals to me and will feel the unexplained urge to share it.
Who knows.
Really, only God knows.

A Tale of Two Men

Six and a half years ago a man stepped into my life who changed everything.
He fell in love with my wonderful mother, my amazing brother, and I.
He married my mother only five and a half years ago, and quickly became another father to my brother and I, loving us like we were his own children.
He showed us what a relationship was supposed to look like.
He raised the bar for any friendship, any relationship, any man who would come in my life.
He taught us how to love and be loved.
This past Saturday, April 9th, 2011, my amazing stepfather, David, slipped into eternity to forever be with his savior.

Two months ago, I met a man who stepped into my life almost the same way David did. 

I met him quite by accident, but we quickly became friends. 

Best friends. 

He made it clear that he was interested in pursuing me beyond a friendship, interested in dating me. 

He wanted my mother and stepfather's approval first, and I felt the same. 

When David fell ill almost four weeks ago now, we were hoping to meet with my parents once he returned to health in order to get their approval of our relationship. 

When David went into the hospital, this wonderful man offered to drive me to the hospital any time I wanted to see David and my mother there. 

We went twice.

The first time, David was not entirely there, slipping in and out of consciousness, rambling nonsense with a couple moments of clarity, enough to tell me he loved me, that he wanted a hug, and how beautiful the thinks I am. 

But the second time, he pulled a fast one on all of us. 

He had my friend sit down and interviewed him.

I had never asked him to do such a thing. 

At the end of his "interview", David reached out his hand to my friend and gave not only his approval for him to date me, but his blessing. 

Three days later, he passed away. 

Two days after that, on April 11th, 2011, I started dating my best friend Jonathan. 

I don't think it is possible for me to express what an interesting conundrum it is to lose one incredible man in my life and gain another in the span of a few days. 

But, I am incredibly blessed none the less. 

Working to be Loved

I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine once, and I remember them saying how they felt as thought they needed to try, to strive to achieve God's love for them.
I do not remember what my response was. And I'm not going to try to make up one.
What I do know though is that we have all felt this at some point or another.
We have to work to be loved by God.
It's amazing to me that we feel like this.
When you think about it, when you get down to the basics of the eternally haunting question Why are we here? I can only think of one response.
We are here to love God and be loved by Him.
It's an eternal romance that has spanned millenniums.
But all our striving to be good enough for God's love, all of what we work for, what we think we need to be, it all gets in the way of that romance.
I was watching some of the second season of Grey's Anatomy last night with my family, and there is one scene that keeps popping in my head as I'm writing this.
Dr. Burke, a perfectionistic surgeon comes into his bedroom to find his girlfriend, Dr. Yang, eating Chinese food on the bed. He's asked her to move in with him multiple times, and yet she still refuses. (I do not condone this behavior, just recapping the situation.)
Burke looks at her and says, "I am Preston Burke, a widely renowned cardiothorasic surgeon. I am a professional. And more than that I am a good and kind person. I am a person that cleans up behind myself. I am a person that cooks well. And you, you are an unbelievable slob. A slovenly, angry intern. I am Preston Burke. And you, you are the most competitive, most guarded, most stubborn, most challenging person I have ever met. And I love you. What the hell is the matter with you that you wont just let me?"
I laughed at the time, thinking it was funny, but thinking of it now, I realize that's exactly how it is with God and us.
God is perfect in every way. He can love us like no other. And yet, we won't let Him love us to the extent that He wants to.
I certainly don't let Him love me the way He wants to.
I guess that's something that I constantly want to work on.
I want to notice the little things that God does for me that He means to romance me by.
A warm breeze, a clear night's sky, a song I love coming on the radio, little things that are wonderful that God put there at that exact moment for me to notice and remember His love.

Home Again

Home again, home again... How I long to be home again...
When I first came to college, I had this aversion to spending time at home.
I think I was afraid that if I went home, I was not going to want to go back to school, that I would start to slip back into how life used to be and I would give up on my dreams and passions, the things that I fight to hold on to.
I cannot truly say for certain that this is what kept me from the farm house in my home town, so separate from the rest of the world, but looking back from where I stand now, I can see how that could very well be my subconscious thought at that time in my life.
Now I view home differently.
This little old farm house that I now sit in, surrounded by fields, buffeted so strongly by the wind that my bed shakes ever so slightly, has become a sanctuary for me.
When I need a reprieve from life, when I need to rejuvenate myself body, mind, and spirit, it is the place that I long to run to.
And I hope to keep my parent's house just that way.
It will always be a place of peace and sanctuary in my mind.
Tonight, I stepped out on the back patio for just a few minutes to enjoy the (relatively) warm breeze and stare up at the stars.
I cannot see the stars when I am at school... At least not in the same way.
They're dull, blurred out, faded from the city lights.
But tonight, standing out on the back patio, the wind whipping around me, tossing my hair everywhere, I was able to see them so clearly, and for a moment, all the stress that has been on me, all the planning for my future, all the interviews, all the applications, all the disappointments, everything just melted away.
It was just me and the sky.
It was just me and God
And for a minute, I was reminded of how blessed I am to have a God who loves me so much that he tailor made that specific moment to romance my heart, to say, I'm still here, I haven't left, lean on Me this next week, regain your strength from Me...
Mmmm....
I get so caught up in life that I stop letting Him romance me.
He is my God, my father, my friend.... my lover.
Maybe I'll save that concept for another post.
For now, I am simply glad to be home to rest, relax, and destress.
Home again, home again... How glad I am to be home again.