Tough Day

Since I'm assuming that most people who read my blog are getting there via facebook, I assume that most of you have already heard the news that my boyfriend and I broke up.
It came so suddenly that I did not see it until it had already hit me in the face.
So, this past week has been a difficult one for me.
Even though I know I am not alone, I feel like I suddenly am.
I feel as though I have been left alone to deal with David's death in all it's raw entirety and then to grieve Jon at the same time, in much the same way.
I usually don't make it more than a few hours without melting into a blob of sobbing, aching heart.
Today was especially hard.
It would have been my four month anniversary of dating my best friend.
But at the same time, I awoke this morning with the complete sickening realization that no matter how much I want it to happen, I don't think Jon and I will ever get back together.
Up until now, I had basically been in shock from the whole thing, feeling pain, but not completely comprehending it.
Now I comprehend it, and it hurts worse than before.
I guess all I can do is pray that a light begins to shine again, that God can restore my hope, because right now, I'm struggling.

Maybe I'm a Hippie....

I had an interesting discussion with a friend of mine tonight about Christianity that may just make you think I am a flower-child.

We were talking about the importance of love in the everyday walk; the importance of grace versus legalism.

When I think about my Christian walk, I simply have to say that it is the times I have defined my relationship with Christ as a journey of love that I have felt closest to Him.

Those times when I let Him romance to me, those are my most intimate experiences with God.
And, I can't help it, when I get to talk about His love, those are the times that I can't stop myself.
He is my lover.
I could go on and on about His love, His grace, how He romances me...
I think at times this can be a foreign concept to the church.
We get caught up in the legalism of Christianity far too easily.
It's a power struggle that each of us has to deal with.
Christianity is so interesting in the sense that we can't do ANYTHING to win God's love....
We discussed how this can be both a relief and stressful at the same time.
It can be a relief in the sense that we think, "Wow, I don't have to do anything to get God to love me! He just LOVES ME for who I am!"
But at the same time, we stress out about it.
We are such creatures of control.
We want to be able to control our own fate, our own destiny, to be assured in His love because we deserve it.
It makes us weak when we realize this, and it's definitely a struggle to let someone love us in such a helpless state.
And, honestly, I think it's that way because we know we don't deserve His love...
Another issue I see with this approach is that we often associate words like "lover" or "romance" to a simply human expression.
For some reason it has become something that is not divine in our minds.
"Romance" is going on a date or when someone brings you flowers, not usually associated with how God relates to us.
But, when you dig down deep into the Bible, into the heart of God, into the Gospel, you find love at the root of everything.
How many times have we heard God described as love?
Or you look at when Jesus broke the ten commandments down into two; love God, love others.
My friend made a comment, something that I have thought for a while, that every sin is basically falling short of the love we should be showing God or showing to each other.
Think about that for a second.
Just about every hurt, every issue that we have had with someone, every sin that has been committed against us... they all go back to a break in love.
Who ever thought it would be so hard to love?
So, maybe I will be labeled a hippie, and maybe deep down inside I am, but I would rather live a life full of God's love and let that love overflow into those around me, to become so weak in myself that all that is left is the love of God, to lose myself in His love, than to live a life where I feel powerful in legalism and yet not love...
God, give me love or give me nothing.

Trust Fall

Do you remember the game of trust-fall we used to play as kids? One person would stand straight as a board, arms folded across their chest, eyes closed, and would fall back, the other player behind them to catch them? If they stayed straight, and let the other person catch them, there was trust; if they bent their legs and slowly let themselves to the floor, they didn't trust their partner. 

I've been thinking more about trust lately and how hard it is to trust someone.
How it's hard to even trust God sometimes.
I was sitting in church yesterday, and I felt God asking me, "Do you trust me? Do you REALLY trust me?"
It kind of echoed through my mind in a way that I began to think more about the question, what does it mean for me to trust someone, to trust God, entirely?
If I were to be honest about it, I would probably say that I haven't been trusting God fully these last couple months.
In this time when I know that I should be falling back on Him and giving Him everything that is weighing me down, I seem to be trying to struggle through, and hike it out on my own.
I think subconsciousness, I feel as though God has let me down, that for some reason His actions have proven Him to be untrustworthy.
And maybe that is how a human mind will process it, but there is so much more at work that I cannot even see, that no one effected by a loss or a tragedy can see.
Just because someone has died, it does not make God's actions unjust, or make Him untrustworthy.
It just means that I cannot currently understand His ways.
I guess I need to get back to the place where I can know and feel that He is always supporting me, always walking me through, always doing what is best for me.
Know that He knows better than me.
In some ways, I feel as though I am relearning the whole God thing.
The patterns of faith that I must walk by have changed, but God has not.
I guess it's simply time to let go, and fall back, knowing full well that He will catch me.

To Write, or Not to Write....

I feel as though a great deal of my blogging has been cut off since David's death in April.
I think that a good portion of that has to do with my desire not to make this a shrine or a memorial to him.
I don't want to constantly drone on about my loss and how I am walking through that with the help of my God, my family, my boyfriend, and my friends.
Something inside of me says that you would not be interested in reading about that. (Though why you would truly be interested in reading my musings in the first place is beyond me.)
So, with that desire in mind, it is hard for me to find things to write about once again.
Part of me thinks that the writing process would maybe help me, make me find my voice once again, and maybe that would be worth it.
And yet, part of me does not want to have to look back over these posts and read what I was walking through this summer when I look at them again years from now.
Do you blame me?
Who really wants to relive by rereading their mourning process?
Reread the things that you felt and mulled over in the months after a searing loss?

I know someday I will come back and be able to write lighthearted joyful posts about the experiences I am having, the laughter Jon and I share, the funny things I get myself into.
Someday I will come back to writing posts on what God is speaking to my heart, things that I feel need to be shared with my generations.
But for now, I think I still need a break.
Take comfort though, because who knows what tomorrow may bring.
I may be surprised by an experience or by something that God reveals to me and will feel the unexplained urge to share it.
Who knows.
Really, only God knows.

Fathers Day

Father's day is an interesting conundrum for me.
I have very rarely spent father's day with my own biological father, and it has only been for the past few years that I spent father's day with a father figure.
And now, I'm back to spending father's day on my own in a sense.
This morning I was thinking about the past few father's days that I spent with David.
A couple years back on father's day, my mom was out of town, and my brother was busy somewhere else, so it was just David and I.
We didn't really have anywhere to go, so he wanted to do something fun with me.
He decided that it would be fun for him to teach me one of his old hobbies.
Golf.
So, after church, we went home, grabbed his old, dusty set of golf clubs and headed out to the driving range in Lima.
I remember being so disgusted by the golfing world.
I wasn't prissy, didn't look like I belonged on the golf course, wasn't good at hitting the ball, etc.
I think I even tossed out that golf was just an excuse for men to drive around in mini cars and hit things with sticks.
But, I remember that he enjoyed that so much.
He enjoyed taking me out and teaching me something new.
It meant a lot to me that he wanted to do that.
And, even though I complained and bucked about golfing, it is now a fond memory of David that I will forever treasure.

Been a While

It's been a little over two months since I wrote my last blog.
I got caught up in the winds of change, and have not made time to update the world on my life.
I was dealing with losing my wonderful stepfather, and I still deal with this loss on a daily basis. Some days are better than others.
I have stepped into an amazing relationship with my best friend. I fall more and more in love with him every day that I spend with him.
I miraculously made it through the gauntlet of finals and came out, not a failure, but someone on the Dean's Higher list.
I started up a summer job, working on the same team of painters at my college as I was on last summer. It's a steady job, and that's all I can really ask for at this point in life.
With all these changes, I have had to reshuffle how life goes on.
Time seems more sparse than it ever has before, and yet in some ways, I feel like I have all the time in the world.
I guess it is simply an adaptation process, and soon enough it will seem no different from anything else.

A Tale of Two Men

Six and a half years ago a man stepped into my life who changed everything.
He fell in love with my wonderful mother, my amazing brother, and I.
He married my mother only five and a half years ago, and quickly became another father to my brother and I, loving us like we were his own children.
He showed us what a relationship was supposed to look like.
He raised the bar for any friendship, any relationship, any man who would come in my life.
He taught us how to love and be loved.
This past Saturday, April 9th, 2011, my amazing stepfather, David, slipped into eternity to forever be with his savior.

Two months ago, I met a man who stepped into my life almost the same way David did. 

I met him quite by accident, but we quickly became friends. 

Best friends. 

He made it clear that he was interested in pursuing me beyond a friendship, interested in dating me. 

He wanted my mother and stepfather's approval first, and I felt the same. 

When David fell ill almost four weeks ago now, we were hoping to meet with my parents once he returned to health in order to get their approval of our relationship. 

When David went into the hospital, this wonderful man offered to drive me to the hospital any time I wanted to see David and my mother there. 

We went twice.

The first time, David was not entirely there, slipping in and out of consciousness, rambling nonsense with a couple moments of clarity, enough to tell me he loved me, that he wanted a hug, and how beautiful the thinks I am. 

But the second time, he pulled a fast one on all of us. 

He had my friend sit down and interviewed him.

I had never asked him to do such a thing. 

At the end of his "interview", David reached out his hand to my friend and gave not only his approval for him to date me, but his blessing. 

Three days later, he passed away. 

Two days after that, on April 11th, 2011, I started dating my best friend Jonathan. 

I don't think it is possible for me to express what an interesting conundrum it is to lose one incredible man in my life and gain another in the span of a few days. 

But, I am incredibly blessed none the less.