Sunday, August 21, 2011

Beautiful in the Mundane

The other day I wrote about birds, but there is a whole other reason why I have become obsessed with birds.
The past week or so, I have felt this extreme desire, almost as if something is pulling me towards it, to experience the natural beauty of life.
I find myself fighting the urge to buy a bouquet of flowers for myself, going on walks in the middle of the night to gaze at the stars or at first light to watch the changing colours of the morning. When I go to bite into a peach or an apple, I am struck by the grandeur of something so simple, so mundane; I am overcome with the beauty of it.
Part of me wonders if I have finally snapped, if every stressor in my life has finally caused my mental strength to weaken to the point of giving in and return to that primeval place that something so basic in form and colour can fill me with pure euphoria.
And yet... there is that other part of me that is relishing this enjoyment of beauty.
When picking wildflowers is enough to brighten my whole day, or buying a $3 bouquet from the farmers market can make me smile for hours; when the orange glow of a sunset makes me feel a warmth and closeness to God, or the smell of a fresh summer's rain can clean a room better than any bottle of Febreze or Lysol ever could; when seeing a bird float and flutter across a blue sky makes me wish I could join him, or a gentle breeze can lift my spirits.
Is not that what beauty really is?
Maybe I have gone off the deep end. Maybe this is the start of some decent into becoming that hippie at the farmers market. Maybe this could lead me somewhere entirely different than I originally planned.
But for now, I am content to watch a sunrise.
I am content to buy myself flowers.
I am content to see beauty in the mundane things of life.
And maybe, someday, I will meet a man who feels the breath of God when he sees these things just as I do.

Saturday, August 20, 2011


The past few days, I have had something very close to an obsession with birds.
Pictures of birds, the sight of them in the blue sky, any song or poem or verse I stumble across mentioning something about birds catches me.
I think part of it may be the fact that I often feel like a bird myself.
I don't want to be caged in by what people think of me.
I want to sing my heart out and not care who hears me.
I often think of my journey through life as a flight rather than a run or walk.
When I'm doing well, I feel as though I'm soaring.
When I'm not doing so well, I feel like I have been grounded.
This has been my general thought lately.
It as if I have been flying through a storm these past few months, these past few weeks, and have ended up with a broken wing.
I have been grounded.
Banished to muddle through what has hit me.
Figure out a way to heal, a way to lift myself up out of the mud, a way to reach the sky once again.
With God's help, I know I can soar again.
He just has to mend my wing first.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Tough Day

Since I'm assuming that most people who read my blog are getting there via facebook, I assume that most of you have already heard the news that my boyfriend and I broke up.
It came so suddenly that I did not see it until it had already hit me in the face.
So, this past week has been a difficult one for me.
Even though I know I am not alone, I feel like I suddenly am.
I feel as though I have been left alone to deal with David's death in all it's raw entirety and then to grieve Jon at the same time, in much the same way.
I usually don't make it more than a few hours without melting into a blob of sobbing, aching heart.
Today was especially hard.
It would have been my four month anniversary of dating my best friend.
But at the same time, I awoke this morning with the complete sickening realization that no matter how much I want it to happen, I don't think Jon and I will ever get back together.
Up until now, I had basically been in shock from the whole thing, feeling pain, but not completely comprehending it.
Now I comprehend it, and it hurts worse than before.
I guess all I can do is pray that a light begins to shine again, that God can restore my hope, because right now, I'm struggling.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Maybe I'm a Hippie....

I had an interesting discussion with a friend of mine tonight about Christianity that may just make you think I am a flower-child.
We were talking about the importance of love in the everyday walk; the importance of grace versus legalism.
When I think about my Christian walk, I simply have to say that it is the times I have defined my relationship with Christ as a journey of love that I have felt closest to Him.
Those times when I let Him romance to me, those are my most intimate experiences with God.
And, I can't help it, when I get to talk about His love, those are the times that I can't stop myself.
He is my lover.
I could go on and on about His love, His grace, how He romances me...
I think at times this can be a foreign concept to the church.
We get caught up in the legalism of Christianity far too easily.
It's a power struggle that each of us has to deal with.
Christianity is so interesting in the sense that we can't do ANYTHING to win God's love....
We discussed how this can be both a relief and stressful at the same time.
It can be a relief in the sense that we think, "Wow, I don't have to do anything to get God to love me! He just LOVES ME for who I am!"
But at the same time, we stress out about it.
We are such creatures of control.
We want to be able to control our own fate, our own destiny, to be assured in His love because we deserve it.
It makes us weak when we realize this, and it's definitely a struggle to let someone love us in such a helpless state.
And, honestly, I think it's that way because we know we don't deserve His love...
Another issue I see with this approach is that we often associate words like "lover" or "romance" to a simply human expression.
For some reason it has become something that is not divine in our minds.
"Romance" is going on a date or when someone brings you flowers, not usually associated with how God relates to us.
But, when you dig down deep into the Bible, into the heart of God, into the Gospel, you find love at the root of everything.
How many times have we heard God described as love?
Or you look at when Jesus broke the ten commandments down into two; love God, love others.
My friend made a comment, something that I have thought for a while, that every sin is basically falling short of the love we should be showing God or showing to each other.
Think about that for a second.
Just about every hurt, every issue that we have had with someone, every sin that has been committed against us... they all go back to a break in love.
Who ever thought it would be so hard to love?
So, maybe I will be labeled a hippie, and maybe deep down inside I am, but I would rather live a life full of God's love and let that love overflow into those around me, to become so weak in myself that all that is left is the love of God, to lose myself in His love, than to live a life where I feel powerful in legalism and yet not love...
God, give me love or give me nothing.