Review of 2010

As I'm sitting here, an hour before the end of 2010, I try to reflect on this past year.
To be completely honest, who I am sitting here is not who I was when I rang in the start of this year.
I've grown in ways that I could not even begin to describe to you.
I know the strains of a 18 credit load in conjunction with a 10-15 hour work week.
I lived in an apartment, buying all my own food, working 40 hours a week over the summer.
I'm a better writer, a better student, a better psychology major than at the start.
I think deeper, love more, fear less.
I've come to the realization that I am beautiful.
I don't have to try to be something else.
I've made new friends, fixed old friendships, let some go.
I hope I can say that I know God better, even though I have such a very long way to go.

After a huge snow storm in February, a bunch of girls on my floor and I ran around like lunatics in the two feet of white fluffy stuff.

We had a silent rave in the library in May.

I fell in love with these girls.

I'm now rooming with the girl on the far right. :)

I worked my butt off this summer painting.

I fell in love with the city of Rochester.

I hope to live here for a while.

Started serving on the worship team at my church back in April.

And my church had a barn dance in October. 

I have to say, barn dancing (or any sort of dancing for that matter) is not one of my strong points!

My pastor's family had a bunch of people over to help decorate their Christmas tree.

His son is also a friend of mine at school. 

It's been quite a year, and I'm hoping for one even better to start in an hour. 

Who knows, maybe there'll be a special guy waiting for me in 2011? *wink*

Anyways, I will leave you with a quote by Jamie Tworkowski (founder of TWLOHA), "Perhaps the fuss about midnight suggests that things can be new. 2011 has never happened before. Here's to the possibilities..."

More Thoughts on Love

I wrote this back over Thanksgiving break, and came across it in my drafts tonight. I read it, and decided, why not, I'll post it! 

Have you ever noticed that when you start to think on a certain concept, or a set of concepts in my own case, and meditate on the meaning of that thing, how it applies to your life, everything you see or hear seems to give you a greater understanding or even more of a reason to go deeper into that concept?
Did I lose you in that great run-on sentence?
I certainly would have lost myself.
Most people who read my blog know about how I have been thinking a lot on the concepts of love and beauty, and as I meditate on these two ideas, more and more of what I read, see, and hear touches on these topics. It gives me more fuel for my fire so to speak, and I end up ruminating on it more than before.
For example, I log on to twitter this morning and see a couple tweets, one after another, saying something about love:
"Love keeps no record of wrongs, but bitterness keeps detailed accounts."
"Holiness equals love."
This brings up and interesting point in my mind.
What exactly is love?
Is it the warm and fuzzy feeling that you get when you're around those you care about?
Is it being there for someone who needs you?
I guess it's a combination of all of those. Showing people you love them can simply mean being there for them when they need you, texting a friend to say that you care, eating dinner with your family. It's not complicated.
Or is it?
It takes courage to love.
The love of Christ took Him to the cross. To show his love he was beaten bloody, taunted, hung on a cross, killed. That took courage.
If you were commanded to die for those you love, would you prove that you actually love them, or would you live and forsake that claimed love?
If I were to be truthful, I would have to tell you that there are very few that I love to that extent.
And even though we are called to love as Jesus loved, as Jesus loves, I believe that there are very few people who love with the same courage that He calls us with which to love.

There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays...

'Cause no matter how far away you roam

If you want to be happy in a million ways,

For the holidays you can't beat home, sweet home.

I never truly understood the meaning of this song. 

I thought it was silly.

You shouldn't have to travel to be home, I would think to myself. Or even, Shouldn't home be right where you are?

I did not realize how twisted that thinking was.

Since coming to college, I have debated so many times what the meaning of home was. I scratched and pondered, thinking that home should be where I lived. 

But I've come to realize something.

Home is the place where the people I love are. It's the warm, fuzzy feeling I get when I walk into the house I grew up in and see my parents.
I can call that home. 

And as I am at college, although I am not too far away from where I call home, it is, especially at this time of year, good to come home. 

Imprinted

Every moment.

Every second.

Every action.

Every person.

Everything impacts our lives.

Whether we consciously know it our not, it all imprints on us, leaving us battered, bruised, and hopefully stronger. 

Much of what I personally have gone through has not been easy. 

Life has come hard. 

So often the right thing takes time. 

It does not come easy.

Memories of past hurts, past pains, even past joys can get in the way. 

But press on. 

Get stronger. 

This, my friends, is life. 

Note Cards

If you choose to go no further, I do not blame you. 

What follows is a view of questions that plagued my mind over Thanksgiving, illustrated on note-cards in some way that I felt represented what that question caused me to feel.

It was interesting to make these note-cards, if nothing else, because it gave me a look into myself that I may not have been willing to experience any other way. 

If you have anything to say about these questions, please let me know. It would be good to get people talking about some of these questions.

There you have it, a look into my mind...
I actually have already been working on a second edition of this, kind of on accident.
Questions on life would randomly pop into my head while studying for finals, and I would write them on post-it notes. Little twist, same concept. Maybe I'll post them while I'm home over break.

Honestly...

I wrote this the other night:

If I were being completely honest with you, completely honest with myself for that matter, I would tell you that I am not as close to God as people think I am. I would tell you that I am not as close to God as I would like to be. I would tell you that I have begun to slip away.

Now, when I say that I have begun to slip away, I do not mean in the sense that I have fallen so far that I have to start anew, but rather I have tasted and I have seen the goodness of God and people like me should not fall away like this.

This summer, when God gave me Matthew 23 and kept drawing me back to it day after day, I knew He was calling me to remind Christians of the message in it. I knew He was solidifying a hatred for hypocrisy and contradiction within the church. What I didn’t know was that I was at such a risk of falling into this myself.

Woe to you teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites!

Oh, how that penetrates me to the inmost portion of my soul. I am that Pharisee, I am that hypocrite.

I think the words of Paul in Romans 7 best describe my current state of being. He says, “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.”

I don’t think I could have stated it more eloquently myself.

I guess all I can leave you with is this. I am human. I will fall, I will mess up, and for some reason God loves me. I am His beloved, even though I cannot wrap my feeble mind around why He would desire me. I am a negligent lover, a child who forgets to call, but He loves me. It’s amazing. I just need to be reminded of this incredible fact more often.

God, thank you for Your grace and love. 

Braids

When I was in junior high and high school, I would occasionally wear my hair in two matching braids.
I used to get picked on because of it.
People would tell me that I looked like I belonged in middle school or even elementary school.
Being that I didn't have any self-confidence at that point, it crushed me.
I vowed to never go out in public with two braids again.

Yesterday, I was planning on getting up early and showering in the morning.
My sleep schedule, the way it's been lately, did not allot me getting up on time.
So, I decided to do something completely uncalled for with my hair.
I threw it into two braids and tossed a hat over it.
I went out feeling self-conscious, waiting for the ridicule to come.
"You look stupid with those braids."
But I did not receive the negative feedback I was expecting.
Without me asking, people told me my hair was cute, that I looked adorable, that they liked the braids.
It was a pleasantly unexpected surprise.
It's funny how God will sometimes do that with you, I believe in an attempt to heal wounds that you didn't even know about.

Down to the Wire

One week of classes left.

Then finals.

Oh the dreaded marathon. 

12 page paper due tomorrow.

Big project due Wednesday.

First (and hopefully last?) all-nighter tonight.

This week is probably worse than finals.

I can make it.

Taking heart in 2 Timothy 4:7.

Paul states, "I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have kept the faith."

Now, I'm not dying, but I consider this semester a fight, a race.

I want to say at the end of next week that I have fought the good fight.

That I have finished the race strong.

That all the while I have kept faith. 

That last one has been a stretch for me.

But I made it through harder weeks this semester.

I can survive this week.

I can complete the marathon strong. 

God give me grace.

More Thoughts on Homosexuality and Christianity

I may be beating this concept to death, but considering this paper is basically my only homework right now, it has literally been all that is on my mind lately.
The other night I was working on some research on the topic when I came across a passage in Judith K. Balswick and Jack O. Balswick's book "Authentic Human Sexuality: An Integrated Christian Approach," that totally blew my mind. It wasn't so much that I believe what they were saying, but rather it gave me insight into the opposing argument that I did not previously have. I thought I would share with you this section:

Those who accept homosexual behavior between consenting adults generally believe that a person's sexual orientation is determined quite early in life. Thus, sexual expression between same-sex persons is accepted as a normal and essential part of one's life. Since it is "natural" for persons with a homosexual orientation to express themselves sexually with members of the same sex, it would be completely "unnatural" for them to engage in heterosexual union. The scriptural passage in Romans 1 condemning "unnatural" affections between people would therefore not apply to them. They believe this passage condemns persons who are heterosexual by nature but turn against their natural sexual inclinations in sexual behaviors. They further assert that the major thesis in Romans 1 is Paul's declaration that all people have sinned and are in need of salvation, rather than the specific issue of homosexuality. They point to Jesus as one who offers grace and acceptance rather than judgment and condemnation.


For those of you who do not know what passage is being spoken of, Romans 1:26-27 states, "For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error."

Personally, I thought that this passage was perfectly clear. In my mind it simply states that homosexuality is a sin that people have fallen into. But, after reading the discussion of it in "Authentic Human Sexuality," I can understand how people can think this. It's not so much that I now believe that homosexuality is not a sin, I still stand firm on the fact that my God outlines homosexuality as a sin, but at the same time I am now more understanding of the people who believe the opposite.
If nothing else, my mind is constantly being expanded and my opinions are being challenged, making them stronger, or refining them.

Homosexuality and Christianity

This semester I am in a class called Understanding Human Sexuality. Interesting, right? Well, part of the curriculum is to write a 12 page research paper on anything within the realm of sexuality.
I started thinking about what would be a controversial topic, something that you ought to have a well informed view on with facts to back it up, and is relevant to life without getting too close to writing a 12 page paper on the act of sex. Yeah, didn't want to go there.
My first thought was the concept of homosexuals in the Christian faith.
Often times Christians are labeled as homophobic simply because we believe that homosexuality is a sin. We get labeled, judged, and attacked because of this stereotype, when many people do not necessarily have a solid, informed view.
If something is that important to people, it is going to come up at some point or another and you need to have your opinion solidly created if you are to participate in a debate on it.
Simply stated, I do not want to appear uninformed or ignorant when it comes to my opinions.
So, I started researching.
I set clear questions for myself to answer.
What is my view on homosexuality in relation to Christianity?
Why do I believe this?
What is the opposing argument?
So far, I have begun to solidify my own opinion. I believe that people who classify themselves as homosexual are still children of God. He created them and loves them no differently from you or I. As such, I believe that we should not turn them away from the church, but rather welcome them with open arms as we would someone who is dealing with alcoholism or pride. No one sin is greater than any other and therefore we should not judge people. At the same time though, I do not think someone can be walking in sin and still be following after God's heart. If someone is dealing with alcoholism and they become a Christian, it is expected that they begin to weed out the sin from their life in order to become more like Christ. In the mean time, we support and love these people. It's no different for homosexuals.
Now, I'm not saying that I expect them to live a heterosexual lifestyle after they become Christian, but rather I think it most beneficial for their walk in the Lord if they are celibate, just as you would expect an unmarried woman to not lay with a man, even though she may have those desires. The desires themselves are not evil, rather it is acting on them.
As I'm researching this more, it is interesting to see how different people react, and I hope, if nothing else, my opinion has sparked some new ideas in you.
What are your thoughts?

Cold Library

I have just returned from Thanksgiving break, and I have been working on homework all afternoon in the library.
There's only one problem.....
The library is FRRREEEEEEZING!!!

I decided that the best course of action was to grab a blanket and make due.
I get more homework done in the library than my room, and I figured it better to deal with the cold than unfinished homework.
Oh the joys of college!

Thanksgiving

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and, if I were to be completely honest with you, I think I missed the purpose of it this year.
You are suppose to spend Thanksgiving thinking about all the things that you should be thankful for, but I don't think I did that.
I seemed to be more preoccupied with what I was doing, and spending time with my family rather than meditating on how immensely blessed I am.
I remember this summer how I was thinking about how there is such a lack of thankfulness in the church, and how, especially young adult Christians, take their blessings for granted. And this bothered me immensely.
Now don't get me wrong, this still hits me straight in the gut when I think about how we are ungrateful, but it amazes me how I've begun to slip back into this cycle of ungratefulness, so much so that I did not even take the time on the day that we set aside for simply giving thanks to be thankful for everything that I have been given in this life.
Maybe I have been desensitized to just how blessed I am.
Maybe I need a renewed revelation of just how much God gave up for me.
Maybe I need to find the disconnect in my own life.
I have been given a warm place to live, three hot meals a day, more clothes than any one girl needs, a shower and more cosmetics than I could ever use.
I have been given a loving family, amazing friends, and a wonderful school.
I am going to a better college than I could have ever wished for, I'm finding more connections to the grad-school I want to go to every day, and I'm graduating a year early from undergrad.
I have a savior who died in my place.
How could I miss all of these things in my life?
How could I miss them on the day meant to be thankful for them?
I guess a day late is better than not at all.
Guess it's just one more thing that I need God to constantly renew in me.

Thinking

It's a dangerous thing.
You never know where it could lead you.
As of lately, it has lead me down a road of rhetorical questions that I can do nothing more than mull over, and maybe discuss theologically with some of my Roberts fam once I get back to R-town.
But for the time being, I am working on a blog of these theoretical questions, and I think when I'm done it'll be one of my "cooler" blogs.
Well, if not "cooler", we'll just call it "more artistic"... or as artistic as I can be ;)
Anyways, just thought I'd give you an update on that, and give you something to look forward to.

Toeing the Line

I was ruminating on beauty today....
(I know it's something that has been coming up in my blog a lot lately, but I feel that, especially for my generation of women, it is something that we do not know the true meaning of.)
and a thought popped into my mind that has been eating at me ever since.
It seems there is a fine line that most women need to walk along, a line that we usually fall on one side or the other with.
On one side is the thought, I am not beautiful, there is nothing appealing about me, no guy would ever be attracted to me.
But on the flip side is the thought, I am the best thing to come into this world, I am gorgeous, all the men fall over me, I deserve their attention.
Most of us fall within some variation of these two extremes, but I think that there is a fine line that we must find between the two.
You see, with the thought that I am not beautiful, there is almost a carelessness. Since the girl who falls on that side of the line does not think that any guy could ever be attracted to her, she does not take the care to protect herself from potentially dangerous situations. Guys who do think she's beautiful are lead on by her, guys who would potentially do things to this girl, but because she does not believe that they could be attracted to her, she does not put in the effort to safeguard herself. This is not a good place to be in for any woman.
But, with the thought that I am gorgeous and deserve your attention comes a conceitedness that is not attractive to any respectable man. Sure, guys may initially fall all over someone like this, but this girl is incapable of holding onto a worth-while relationship. She is always better than the guy, and he gets sick of it fast. Although she protects herself from creeps and the "dangerous types", it is still not a good place to be.
Just like the rest of life, beauty is a juggling act.
You have to have enough self-respect, enough dignity to not subjugate yourself to unworthy males.
I have the belief that every girl is beautiful, and therefore should hold themselves to a high standard such as this.
But, at the same time you have to be humble.
Know that you are beautiful, but don't flaunt it to the extreme.
Now, when reflecting on this revelation and how it applies to myself, I know I am nowheres near enough to being on that line as I should be. There are days when I know I do not have the level of self respect that I should have, and yet, as funny as this may sound, there are other days where I find myself being extremely vain and conceited.
However, I do believe that the closer I get to God, the more intently I learn and believe who He says I am, the closer I will get to that line.
I'm not perfect, but God is, and I pray that He helps me get to that line someday.

Falling in Love with You

This morning as I was getting ready for church, I had my Nat King Cole station on Pandora playing and the song, "Can't Help Falling In Love With You" by Elvis Presley came on. I didn't think anything of it, but kept listening to the station and then headed out to church.
We had communion in service today, and as I'm sitting there praying before going up to take communion, the song popped into my head.

Take my hand, take my whole life too...
For I can't help falling in love with you....


It was almost like God was reassuring me. No matter what, He can't help falling in love with me. I may be frustrating sometimes, and I mess up more than He'd like, but He loves me, and everyday He falls in love with me again. I guess I just have to follow after the heart of God.

5Head!

Ever feel like when you're younger there's all this cool stuff going on that you want to be part of and can't wait until you're older to participate, but then when you get older, it's all over?
When I was younger, that's exactly how I felt.
My uncle had this ska band called 5Head that was always playing shows around Rochester, and I couldn't wait until I was older to go to these concerts.
But, as these things often do, the band broke up when I was only 10.
I was upset, but as I got older and became more interested in music and the arts, I began to realize just what I had missed out on as a child.
I wanted to go back and participate, just like anyone would want to. I knew I would never get to go to a 5Head concert, and I eventually resolved this desire in my heart and accepted it.
That was until my mother called me this summer and informed me of a rumor about a potential 5Head reunion concert this fall.
That spark was reignited in me, this hope to go to a 5Head concert! Was it possible?
Sure enough, a month or two later it was officially announced... November 19th 5Head was having a reunion concert at one of the main music halls in Rochester!
So, all day today I've been stoked! The time cannot pass fast enough, and I'm all ready rock it out to 5Heads crazy sound!
Another update to come post-show! :D

Don't Judge

I slept on the floor of the library today.
Sometimes I think I look like I'm homeless.
I drink too much coffee.
I wear too much make up.
I love too freely.
I trust too restrictedly.
I get angry too easily.
I often wear clashing patterns at the same time.
I shop mostly at thrift stores.
I don't show emotion easily.
Sometimes I get hurt and people don't even know it.
I have a Strongbad patch on my backpack.
I don't read my bible nearly enough.
I want to be loved.
I wish I was more artistic.
I'm not an A+ student, although I wish I was.
I seclude myself from people, then become lonely when there's no one around.
I sometimes jump to conclusions too quickly.
I procrastinate too much.
I wish I could sit on a rooftop at watch the stars when it's cloudy then don't take advantage of it when it's clear.
I slept on the library floor today.
I'm not perfect and I'll never try to be something that I'm not.
Don't judge, but love me for who I am :)

What Coffee are You?

I was looking at the descriptions to some different kinds of coffees earlier today, and I found it comical how some of them were described.

Here are some examples:
Kenya AB -- A very bright, medium bodied coffee with lively citrus topnotes.
Brazil Tres Fazendas -- A rich, smooth, heavy bodied organic coffee.
Organic Dragon -- A gentle, heavy bodied coffee with silky texture, sweet-spice flavor and a clean, rich finish.

This sparked an idea in me.
What would my description be if I were a coffee?
Would someone describe me as "Bright, and sweet," or would someone look at me and say "Dull and bitter"?
Is how I am living my life in a way that people see me as a "very good cup of coffee"?
So many times I think we go through life not thinking about how other perceive us, and although how they see us should not consume us, we should still live our lives in a Christlike fashion.
I guess it all just goes back to concept I was talking about last week, how we need to love others as Christ loves us.

Need to be Loved

I realized that I am a hippie in a certain sense. I just want to give and receive love.
When it comes down to it, it seems as if so many of the problems in this world stem from love, or rather a lack of love.
That is the whole reason I am going into psychology.
I want people who do not think they are loved realize that they are.
I was thinking about this today and had a realization of how unloving Christians can be sometimes. It all turns into a "get everybody saved as quick as possible" thing, and so often love gets overlooked.
I was reminded of a kid from my high school who felt like no one loved him and because of this, he killed himself this past spring.
People did not express to him the love of God.
I remember how only a week or two after he left I was at a bonfire with a couple of my Christian friends when another person brought up his death. They somehow had heard about it from another source, someone who did not know this boy personally. They began to talk about how if he had just been preached the gospel, he would not have killed himself.
Now, I knew this boy, and from what I knew about him, if he had been preached the gospel, he would have rejected it so fast because he had not been showed love.
It bothered me.
I spoke out about how he did not need the gospel when he died, but rather he just needed to be loved.
We need to show people the love of God more than we need to preach at them.
So often preaching at people does nothing more than drive them away, but if you simply love them for who they are, love them where they are at, just as Jesus did, they will be more attracted to the gospel.
As St. Francis of Assisi said, "Preach the gospel always and if necessary use words."
Show the unlovable God's love.

That Which is Better

I long to be with my Creator.
That simple statement is what I wish to define my life.
I want to desire Him to the extent that I commune with Him every second of every day.
I want to desire His word above anything else.
I want to desire prayer more than any trivial conversation I can have with people of this Earth.
Some days my longing to be with Him is so strong that it rises up from my core.
Some days I cry out to Him in prayer asking why He left me here, why I can't be in Heaven NOW.

Recently I was reading in Paul's letter to the Philippians and it said this:
For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account.


As Christians, we all need to be desiring home.
But at the same time, God has placed us here at this particular time for a specific reason.
I know I am here until He calls me home to make the best of my time.
I need to be here for the people that I will impact, and I need to do my best to make the impact that God wants me to.

Re-Branding

I have been dissatisfied with the name of my blog for quite some time now.
When I first felt the shift happening from a focus on what I DID while I was in college to the things that I felt God speaking to me and those around me, I began to feel like "The College Life" as no longer an adequate title.
I mulled over a couple different options, and, in an attempt to be witty or poetic or something, I settled on "Amalgamated Epoch," meaning something along the lines of "a mixed amount of time".
I thought I was cool for about the duration of an hour or so.
Then I realized how stupid that sounded.
Bringing me back to square one.
What is this blog about?
Me?
Not really.
It's more about God and the things He does in my life.
It struck me the other night what I should call this blog.
Nothing Is Real
It is a concept that I have been mulling over for over a year now.
The idea that as a Christian, I need to make Heaven, and the concept of bring Heaven to Earth, so real, so solidified in my mind that everything else around me does not seem quite so real anymore.
And that's my true desire for this project.
To get people looking forwards to Heaven.

A Different Me

Why is it that we act differently around different friends?
Or rather, why is it that when I am around friends who I have not been around a lot, I feel as though I have to act like the Paige I used to be and not the Paige I am now?
I have grown in so many different aspects over the last year or so, but I feel as if when I go around my friends that I do not have to opportunity of seeing as often as I would like, I have to revert to who I was when I left for college. What am I afraid of?
I know that those who truly loved me for who I was will still love me no matter what I become, and yet I fear that they will reject me now.
It's funny... I'm so much more confident in who I am, as if I am finally starting to come into more of the fullness of who I truly am; accepting that it's okay to let who I really am out. I think the people who have watch me grow though my college experiences thus-far can see this in me. And yet, I am not confident in myself whatsoever when confronted with friends that I don't see as much.
I guess it's just something that God is going to have to help me grow through.

Continuing to Redefine Beauty

Funny that right after I did my week without makeup, I find an article about a club at a Texas high school that does the same thing!
Thought I should share.

http://www.stylelist.com/2010/10/08/texas-high-schoolers-makeup-free-redefining-beautiful-club/

Continue to stand strong, and keep redefining beauty.

Over Worked... Under Appreciated

Something that I've been noticing more in life is how it is often the little things that we do, or don't do, that make the biggest impact on the lives of those around us.

One of these things is simply letting those we love know how much we appreciate them.

It's so simple, yet so few of us truly let those we love know how much they mean to us. 

How often do you hear someone talk about a family member who died and they talk about how they regret never letting their loved one know how much they truly appreciated everything they did for them? Far too many for sure. 

And how many hurts have been caused because people do not feel appreciated? How many people have killed themselves thinking that no one noticed the work they did?

Whether you realize it or not, people are pouring out wisdom, love, time, and money from themselves to cause you to become a better person, a better Christ-follower. 

God pointed this out to me recently, and I've taken it to heart. How many of my friends, family, professors know how completely grateful I am to have them in my life? I feel as though I never fully express the depth of my gratitude to people.

One small step that I've been doing is simply stating it. Three simple words. 

I appreciate you.

I let people know when I'm thankful for their time spent with me, their input in my life, and I don't do it perfectly, but I'm growing, and I'd like to see you try to also. 

After all, I really do appreciate you!

Respite

I had the chance this weekend to get away. Something I haven't had the opportunity to do in a long time. Or even if I had the chance to get away, the time was filled with meaningless adventures that did nothing more for me than abscond with my time and leave me weary.
This time it was different. I experienced a time of refilling, a restoring of my peace and joy. I feel more wholly Paige than I did when I left Friday afternoon.
My family and I headed down to a cottage on Keuka lake, time there given to us as a blessing from friends of the family. The hills surrounding the lake were in full autumn colours, something more beautiful than I can describe to you in mere words or pictures. It was a place filled with God's peace, and I was simply able to rest. It was something I needed more than I even realized.
I left my laptop at school. I shut my cell phone off the minute I left campus. There was no tv. I barely used my ipod. To some people, this would sound torturous, but I could think of nothing better this weekend. After everything I have been through, especially in the past week or so, it was wonderful to disconnect from life. Or rather what we as modern day human call life.
I reconnect with the true life. God. And now, I feel ready to get back to the wear of school. I have the strength to continue on, to fight the good fight.

Hope

Eleven Hundred

If you were given a bank card number and pin, and were allowed to spend $1100 anywhere, where would you spend it? An expensive boutique clothing store? At BestBuy on a tv? How about Kmart? No? Not Kmart?
Well then, YOU, my friend, are a higher class citizen than someone who steals a college student's card and pin number!
I went to withdraw $20 out of the ATM this morning, only to discover that there was a little over $1000 missing out of my checking account. I was obviously worried, scared, anxious, and a little bit angry. I called my bank, only to be put on hold for 20 minutes. I didn't have time. I went to class, stressing out the entire time I was there. When I got out of class, I biked down to the nearest bank of mine, and sat down with their customer service. An hour and a half later, I walked out knowing that someone had taken my card number and pin number, made a fake version of my card, and spent over a thousand dollars in Virginia Beach, most of that at a Kmart. Lucky for me, my bank is reimbursing all that money tomorrow, and they're giving me a new debit card with a new pin number.
Needless to say, it was quite a stressful day and I'm very ready for the break I get this weekend.

Redefining Beauty

What do we consider beauty to be?
I typed beauty into Google images and these are some of the things that came up:

Is it the perfect body? Being skinny and tan? Plump lips, prominent cheekbones, small nose, big eyes? Perfect teeth and hair? Eyebrows waxed, nails shaped? Makeup done up just right every day? Elegant clothing?
By these standards, who can be beautiful?
I know I'm certainly not beautiful by the worlds standards. But I try to be so often, and that is where I get into trouble.
We've made beauty, more accurately vanity, a god in our society. It is unattainable, and so many women are trapped into the rut of trying to reach that nirvana of beauty. We pluck, and trim, shape, wax, and starve ourselves to be something that we cannot be.
And I know at times I fall into this myself.
I wear a lot of makeup, and I know that sometimes this can become a vice for me. I get anxious about people seeing me without makeup, and God forbid I go anywhere without it! What would people think if they saw what I really looked like? It's a way for me to cover up my insecurities, to hide from the world behind a mask of sorts.
So, I decided to do an experiment. Can I go a week at school without makeup?
I'm on day three of this little experiment, and I've already gotten a variety of comments.
"You look nice without all that makeup!"
"...Are you feeling well?"
"You look horrible, you should get more sleep!"
"You know, your feminine features come out more without makeup."
It is interesting, if nothing else, how people react to it. I guess I need to just continually reminding myself that God made me beautiful, whether that beauty matches the world's standards or not.

Makeup vs. No Makeup

1 Peter 3:3-4 "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner-self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

Actual Conversation

*Insert Ringtone*
Paige - "Hello?"
Voice - "Hello. Keep listening for what the government does not want you to hear about free health care."
Paige - *Hangs up*

 ....HOW THE HECK DO THEY GET MY CELL PHONE NUMBER?!?

When the Darkness Has Robbed You of All Your Sight....

God's been testing me lately.
Will I trust Him with everything?
Do I truly believe that He will provide for me?
Can He really be my everything?
It's a test that we all have to go through at some point or another.
And it's painful.
It sucks.
You feel alone. You feel like you're stumbling around in the dark. When you need people the most, they're not there.
But...
I know my God is good. I know my God loves me. I know my God will take care of me.
I KNOW all of this.
But what I am going through is the translation of knowing to believing. 
I know what I know about God, but do I really believe that God is there?
If someone asked me this, I would say yes in a heartbeat.
I just need to hold on to this certainty, this absolute truth that He IS there, especially in the trials and rough patches.
I will not be shaken. I will not be moved.

Scar Tissue

I have a scar on my right pinkie.
I got it when I was a little kid.
It's barely visible, and you have to really look to see it.
99.99% of the time I forget it's there.
The only time I remember it is when something aggravates it.
Like this morning when I was working.
For some reason, the vacuum was able to rub the scar just right and caused it to hurt.
I think this is the way many of our old wounds are.
Someone hurts you, and you ask God to help you heal, and He does!
You forget about the wound and the trauma of the incident in the wave of God's love and healing forgiveness.
Most of the time you don't even think about anymore.
It's gone.
But, every once in a while, something or someone comes along that can rub that scar the wrong way and causes you to remember that old wound.
The good news is that God is still there.
The pain may come up every once in a while, but God has already healed you, and He is always there for you.

Thankfulness

Warning: Harsh truths will ensue. Leave now if you don't want to hear it.
The rest of you, buckle up, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Lately I have been going through a season of thankfulness. God's been kind enough to give me a revelation of how utterly blessed we are. Every time that I seem to go into a complaining mood or a sense of ungratefulness, this sense of how completely blessed I am comes up again. I may not like my job, but guess what, I am so blessed to have a paying job! I may not like living in a dorm, but I am blessed beyond belief to have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in and a hot shower to bathe in! I don't necessarily enjoy eating at my school's cafeteria every meal, but guess what! I am blessed enough to be able to eat three times a day!
The problem with this though is that because I have been given this concept of how truly blessed we are, I get frustrated very easily when people are disrespectful or ungrateful.
We have been given so much and yet we destroy other people's property, we expect people to clean up after us, we think everything is replaceable!
When you look at the world and then you look at most Christians, they don't look any different. Christians go out together and leave just as big of a mess (if not bigger sometimes!) as the people of this world! We think we're better than them, but sometimes, we're worse. And that directly contradicts God's Word.
My all time favourite verse is Romans 12:2, which says, "Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to to test and approve what God's will is--His good, pleasing, and perfect will."
Did you get that?
We cannot look like the world, we must look like GOD! If we don't look like God, we don't know His will. If we don't act how Jesus acts, we cannot understand God's perfect ways.
We are to be thankful, take care of the things that God has entrusted to us, and look like Jesus.
I am not saying by any means that I am even close to that point, but what I am saying is that I need to grow in it, and I know many many Christians who also need to grow in this area.
Think about it. Let God reveal to you how truly blessed you really are.

A Change in Theme

When I started this blog, I originally made it to be a walk through my life in college, share with my friends and family back home how everything was going and all the great experiences I had along the way.
Lately though, I feel as if that is extremely petty. There are so much more important things in this life that I want to share through this blog. Challenges I want to put out to people. God's words that He speaks through me to the people that read this.
It's not about me. It's about Him.
I may still continue to occasionally post about how life's going (I will post a blog very soon about how this year has been going so far) but for the most part, I feel as if this is all going in a different direction, a more God-driven direction than my original plan. (Isn't that how it always goes) ;)
I have a couple different blogs that I've been mulling over, trying to find a "good" way to say what's on my heart, and I'll probably post them very soon, but they will probably offend some people. But, in the words of a friend, "Sometimes people have to get a little offended for them to grow."
That's where I'm at, and that's where I'm headed for now.

A Righteous Passion

In Matthew 23:5, Jesus is talking about the Pharisees and He says, "Everything they do is done for men to see." Lately I have had a pretty strong opposition to people "using" God to get attention. Everything I've seemed to read and talk to people about seems to come around to this point at some point or another.
In my devotionals the other day, this came up in my reading of Matthew 23. Jesus called out the Pharisees, the people who were all about religion and wanted prestigious positions because of their religiosity as opposed to their relationship with God. He cried out to them, "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you HYPOCRITES! You shut the Kingdom of Heaven in men's faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to!"
Because of the religiosity of the Pharisees, they would never get to see the true Glory of God.
In verses 25 through 28 it says, "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside will be clean also.
"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean! In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness."
Now, please tell me how we are any better than the Pharisees.
We all "use" God in some way to get attention for ourselves. We all stand on the street corners with our arms flung wide praying loudly to God like the Pharisees.
But who are we to do that?!
Please, please tell me what right we have to make ourselves greater than the Creator!
"On the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness!" 
We are all FULL of hypocrisy and wickedness! Who are we to expect anything better than the flames of Hell? Who are we to try and make ourselves greater than God?! Who are we?!?
WE ARE DIRT!
I am nothing! I am not good! There is nothing within my fleshly body that can cause me to do good! I was made from dirt and that's about as good as I get!!
Any good thing I do is because God is working in me, not because I did it! So who am I to take the recognition!!
Stop over spiritualizing things! 
You are no better than the Pharisees when you do that.

Running Water

As I'm sitting here thinking about all that God has done in my life, I realize that I'm thirsty. So, like anyone would, I grab a cup and go to the faucet. When I turn on the faucet, I don't think about the pipes or the filtration systems, or how the water got to me, I just think about the water that is coming out. Cool, clean water.

God spoke this to me recently, and ever since then, I've been almost haunted by the thought. In so many ways this idea of running water expresses they way we should relate to God. We are to be vessels unto God, and this is made very clear in the bible, but at the same time, the vessel is not to become greater than the water. The vessel should not use the water to get noticed.
This is something that really bothers me a lot. I have almost like a righteous anger come up in me when I feel like people are using God to get attention or even make themselves know to other people. Nothing good I do is because of me. Nothing I say, no revelation I get, is because of me. Any wisdom I have is from God and I feel like people should know that.
If I am using God to get attention for myself, there is something wrong with my attitude.
I am just the pipe.
My challenge for you is an attitude check. (I know I constantly need attitude checks!) Pray and see if you are using God for attention, and if you are, what you should do about it.
Be the vessel that only points to God.

Hair Dye Adventures!

About a week ago I decided that I wanted my hair to be a lighter colour.
I had dyed my hair back in like April a dark brown/black, and while that colour was lovely and I'll probably end up dying it that colour again sometime in my future, I wanted to be more of a golden brown for the end of summer/start of a new school year.
So, Saturday morning I picked up a box of colour that looked promising and vowed to dye my hair later that night.
(I was going to look at wedding dresses that day with one of my very good friends who is recently engaged and knew it would take all day.)
That night I applied the dye and put in "The Sixth Sense" to keep me company while I waited the 35 minutes it took to colour my hair.
When I rinsed the dye out, something seemed wrong.

BLOND?!?!?
I'm NOT a blond!!!
Nor will I EVER be a blond!!!!

Disclaimer:

I have nothing against blonds.

Two of my best friends are blond.

I just could never be a blond.

I biked down to the nearest Walgreens with the speed and agility rivaling the winner of Le Tour de France to buy a different hair dye, this one more of a medium brown. 

Nothing close to blond.

Never again.

This colour was a LOT better!

I've been enjoying this colour.

At church I got a lot of compliments on the new colour, and I think I'm gonna keep it this shade for a while, but who knows what will happen if I get board. ;)

Quick Post!

I have 8 minutes before my lunch break is up, so I thought I'd give you a quick update on life.
7 minutes.
I've been working a ton lately (what else is new?) and realized that I only have a few more weeks before I start classes again.
I move into my fall housing this weekend.
6 minutes.
I'm really looking forward to moving into my fall housing. I'm living with one of my best friends and I'm hoping that I can be a blessing in her life over the next year.
5 minutes.
All my textbooks have come in!
I know it's nerdy, but I always get excited about textbooks.
Although, one textbook kind of scares me a little bit.
Understanding Human Sexuality. Oh yes.
4 minutes.
I guess I'm kind of looking forward to Human Sexuality.
I've heard a lot of good things about the class.
But it still kind of skeeves me out that I'm gonna be learning about sex for an entire semester.
3 minutes.
I think the class I'm most looking forward to this semester is my counselling theory and practice class.
This is really what I want to do with my psychology degree and I hope that this class just confirms within my spirit that this is what I'm supposed to be doing.
2 minutes.
I'm kind of running out of things to say.
With not a whole lot of time left, I guess I'll just say goodbye!
Thanks for reading my random thoughts and quick updates of the day.
1 minute!
Guess that means it's back to painting door frames for me!
PEACE!

Beauty

Fact: I have never thought of myself as beautiful.
Truth: I am beautiful.

This truth hit me like a sack of rocks today, knocking the breath from me, and flooding my mind.
You see, I have been reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge lately, and I think that it has been one of the most influential books in my life. I'm only about 3 chapters into the book, and already it has been more healing for me than almost anything else I've ever read.
I think every woman, every girl needs to read this and let it influence their lives like it's already been affecting me.

I wasn't able to go to church today. A number of circumstances made it impossible for me to go to my home church and I decided to have church with just God and I today.
Best choice in a long time.
I took my Bible and "Captivating" down to a nearby coffee shop and sat and read for a couple hours.
As I was reading "Captivating", God spoke something to my heart that I have heard so many times. He said, "You are beautiful," and for the very first time, my heart BELIEVED it.
My heart cried out to me, "I AM beautiful! I am beautiful for my GOD is beautiful and I reflect HIS beauty! I AM BEAUTIFUL!"
At the sound of this, I could not stand the overflow of joy.
I burst into tears.
And even now as I write this, I am starting to tear up with the joy this brought me today.
If you know me, you know that I do not cry at the drop of a hat. I have cried twice today because of the joy God brought me with that statement.
I am beautiful for my God, whom I love, is beautiful, and I reflect His beauty.

Snakes and Doves

There seems to be no connection between snakes and doves, and yet when we are walking in the Christian faith, God gives us a very clear direction to be like both snakes and doves.
In Matthew 10, Jesus is sending out His disciples to do ministry. He gives them clear direction on what they should do, and what they should expect while ministering.
In verse 16, He warns them that they will be venturing into a den of wolves dressed in sheep's clothing and it is because of this that He tells them, "be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves."
What exactly does it mean to be as shrewd as a snake?
In Genesis 3:1 it describes the serpent (or the snake) as "more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made."
In other words, the serpent was shrewd.
As defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary, to be shrewd is to be marked by clever discerning awareness; to be given to wily and artful ways or dealings.
It is this shrewdness that gives us insight into peoples lives. We see the problem where the problem lies. We call the crap like we see it.
Discernment. It only comes to us when we seek after God's own heart. Only then are we able to see what He points out to us.
As Christians, we are to be shrewd in the sense that we are sensible. We are to be prudent. But at the same time we are not to be deceitful.
We are to be innocent as doves.
World wide, the dove is seen as an image of peace. It is simple, lovely, innocent.
Innocence is freedom from guilt or sin. It is to be blameless.
Blameless like Christ was blameless.
People should look at us and see God's glory shining through.

Be shrewd. Be innocent.
Be a snake, but be a dove at the same time.

Power of the Testimony

Recently I listened to a podcast by Bill Johnson about the power of your testimony. Our testimonies are some of the most powerful things that we are given by God, and when we share them with other people, we release the power of God onto their live, the power that can cause a similar event to take place in their lives.
I've been wrestling back and forth with this since I listened to the podcast, mulling over it, meditating on it. It simply struck a chord in my spirit. One question has been running circles in my mind and spirit.
If I shared my testimony, revealed to people the change God made in my life when He became MY God and not my mother's God, how would people be changed?
How would they be changed?
I could think that my testimony would bring them to know God, or know Him better. I could think that it would set people free from the chains of depression. I could think that it would restore the hurting, heal the wounded, mend the broken.
But there is also the fear of man that resides within us all.
The fear that people will reject me. The fear that I will be harshly judged. The fear that I will be labeled and defined by my past actions and put in a box because of them.
I will not be put in a box.
And I will never be defined by my past actions.
It's not who I am now.
I think that's where the power of my own personal testimony is located; the difference between who I was and who I am.
Who I was was a depressed, lonely, teenager who thought no more of herself than the scum of the Earth, broken down, trodden on, ready to give up.
Then God became more real to me than anything else in this world. He brought me up out of the pit that I had dug myself into, and showed me who I really am. It took a good year or two of Him driving it into my thick skull, but God is patient, gentle, and firm, and soon enough, He made His point very visible to me.
Who I am is a forgiven, saved, beautiful woman of God. I walk all my days in His presence. He tells me I am loved. I am treasured. I have a purpose greater than that which my mind can comprehend. He shows me His hand in my life and reminds me that even though I walked through some dark days, He was there with me, watching over me, never giving me more than I could handle. He tells me that He is mine, and that I belong to Him, which is a more amazing thing than I can even tell you.
He is the only one I truly love with everything in my being.
And although I had to go through a very painful time in my life to get to the place where I am at right now, I am able to say that I would never trade those days for anything. They brought me to where I am now, and they gave me the power of a testimony.

Ode to Humidity

Oh, humidity...
Why dost thou despise me so?
....
Enough of that.
I think the better question would be, Paige, why do you hate humidity so much? Well, that, my dear friends, I can answer!

Point A: My Hair.
When it's humid out, my hair does this

Which, isn't that bad... when it behaves. It's the mass of curly frizziness that gets all in my face that I just can't stand! There's almost no way to get it out of my face and keep it out of my face. Not cool hair, not cool.

Point B: Sweat
When it's humid, especially when you're painting all day, you sweat... a lot.
The other side to sweating a lot is that I end up stinking badly. When you shower, you get out and just start sweating again, so you just stink again, no matter what your efforts are to smell nice.
After a while you just stop caring.
Like now.
I stink.

I'm gonna go shower.

In Case You Haven't Noticed...

It's hot out. Really. Really. Hot.
And by hot, I mean for the past few days my apartment has been somewhere around 95 degrees. Yes. Hot.
In fact, it's been so hot that my boss, who is an ex-marine and was stationed in Iraq for a while walked out from the building that we were working in said, "Whoa, flashback. I suddenly feel like I'm in Iraq again!" Oh, yes. As hot as Iraq.
Because it has been so hot, Monday and Tuesday night I camped out in one of my friend's rooms because it was slightly cooler.
Wednesday night I slept on my living room floor with a fan directed towards my head.
Then last night I came up with a, well, more "creative solution" as my mother so handily put it.
On campus, people are able to rent out buildings for conferences, gatherings, and, hey, why not? family reunions! This whole week the Olmstead family has rented out the biggest dorm on campus, which also happens to be the only air conditioned dorm. Now, although it's a big family, there is NO WAY that any one family could fill this dorm! And also, because very few, if any, of the family members go to Roberts, they have to leave the doors unlocked so that the family can go in and out of the building without any problems. This also leaves the doors unlocked for poor souls like me who just can't stand the heat any more.
Oh, yes. A friend and I spent the night in this air conditioned dorm.
HALLELUIA!
What was funny was that my friend Shorty went to the dorm before I did, and when she went up to second floor, she took the elevator... Which also happened to have some of the family members in it. OOPS! Now Shorty being 4'10" and just about as cute as can be gets in this elevator with two family members with a backpack on and a pillow in hand. She looks at them and says, "Hi! I live here. It's too hot in my dorm. Can I sleep here?"
How can you say no to that?
They laughed, smiled, and said yes, and when they all got off the elevator, Shorty went and found a room for the two of us to sleep in and cranked the air conditioning. Oh how much more do you enjoy air conditioning after you've lived in a 95 degree dorm for days!
I came up to the room not 15 minutes later and we slept in an amazingly chilly room.
Best night's sleep in the past week :)

Concrete Jungle

Last night, a couple of my friends and I headed over to The Father's House downtown service, and afterwards hung out at Java's for a bit. This consequently led to the consumption of caffeine and hyperactivity by many present and in attempt to decrease the amount of hyperactivity in the present situation, a few of us went on a walk. This walk was to a place one friend had "discovered", and she called it the "concrete jungle", which is also known as Manhattan Square Park. It was a blast to just hang out there, climb the different concrete blocks and, of course, take a couple pictures! All in all, it was a great night :)

God First

Lately I've been working my way through the book of Genesis in the Bible. I find it interesting to start from the beginning  (literally) every once in a while and see just exactly where we came from. Sometimes it can get a little boring, but every time I work through a book like this, I have new and exciting revelations that I had never had before.

One such revelation is the fact that God has never, is not, and will never be second. I know that this should be common knowledge to people, but there's something so important in that and sometimes we tend to miss it. I realized this when I was reading through Genesis chapter 9. On four different occasions God uses improper English in order to make sure that He is not second. He says, "Me and you," "Me and the earth," "Me and you and all living creatures," and "Me and all life of the earth." Now, if you know anything about the English language at all, you know that it should be more along the lines of "you and I," or "all life of the earth and I," but God will not be put second, even if He has to break a few rules to do so.
Just my thought for the day!

Enoch

I was doing my devotionals the other day and I cam across the passage about Enoch. It says in Genesis 5:24, "Enoch walked with God; then he was no more, because God took him away." Did you realize that there are only two people in the entire Bible who were said to have walked WITH God? Think of that word; with. As defined by the Merrium-Webster dictionary, with indicates a participation in the action. So, not only was Enoch following after God's heart, but he was participating whole heartedly in what He was doing!
I know it's morbid, but I've been reflecting on what people will think of me when I'm dead to this earth lately. Who will I be to the people who I leave here? It has been my prayer that they will call me an Enoch; speak about me the same way Genesis 5:24 speaks about him. I want people to say that I walked WITH God, that I listened to His heart and participated in what He was doing in my life and the lives around me.

I want to be like Enoch.

Revelation on Dating

I've been working a lot lately, almost 40 hours a week, and a lot of times I work alone. This leaves me with a great deal of amount of time to think and talk to God about some things that are on my mind. One such thing is how I've never had a boyfriend, or a relationship of any kind. It bothered me. People are always telling me that I'm such lovely young woman, beautiful, and that someone will be lucky to have me as a wife one day. The thought came to my mind that if that is true, why is it that no guy has ever noticed me the same way as other people? Are people lying to me about this? I started conversing with God about this and He gave me a revelation. My biggest fear in life is having a spouse leave me, having someone that I truly care about and am completely committed and loyal to ditch me. God knows my heart and He knows what I can and cannot handle in my life. He knows that if I were to have a boyfriend now, and if he were to "leave me", I would be heartbroken and it might be more than I can handle. God is my protector and, for now, He is protecting me from something that I desire that could potentially do more harm to me than good at this point in my life. All I can do is wait on Him and pray for the future husband that He is preparing for me.

Kind of a Tough Decision

I made kind of a tough decision recently, but one that will ultimately pay off for the better in the long run. I know many people were hoping to spend time with me this summer and maybe hang out a little bit more than this past year that I spent at Roberts Wesleyan, but, I sadly will not be returning to Avon this summer. I made the decision to work on campus this summer. I know, I know, I had a reliable job at the nursing home and have a wonderful family that misses me, but here's the deal, at the nursing home last year we were extremely understaffed in the department that I worked in, so I got a lot more hours than I should have. As of right now, the dietary department that I work in is fully staffed, which means that I would be lucky to get 6 hours a week. In the painting job that I have for the summer on campus, I will be working almost 40 hours a week. That's a LOT more. So, although I will have to buy all my own food, I will still be making many times over what I would prospectively make at the nursing home back in Avon, and hopefully make enough so my parents won't have to help me out at all in the financial department this coming school year.
I love you all back home and promise to come visit. <3

"Don't tell me what to do!"

"Don't tell me what to do!" I can't tell you how many times I hear college students say this phrase, and I'm sick and tired of hearing it. There are people out there who are wiser than you in certain areas, or maybe they have something to speak into your life that is worth you hearing and listening to. Maybe you need to be called out on a behavior or a continual sin that you do not realize is still in your life until someone "tells you what to do". But people don't listen, do they? They always think they're right.
When I think back on the Bible, anyone who was considered "wise" had advisors who, in a way, told them what to do. David was constantly looking to Nathan for help. Solomon had his advisors. God sent numerous prophets to the people of Israel to tell them what to do. For heaven's sake, Jesus TOLD people how to live their lives! If you don't want people telling you what to do, might as well stop living your life by the Bible.
Without people "telling you what to do" you ARE going to stop growing, and it is the people who aren't growing that God won't use.
I am sick of the world's "Don't tell me what to do!" attitude.

Where is Home?

Tonight is my last night home before heading back to school, and never before have I felt reluctance in wanting to go back. Sure, I'm ready to go back, hug my friends, get back into the routine of things, and get learning once again, but there has been a question running through my mind lately that is not lost. I feel as if my life is split between two worlds. My world of school and my world of home. Which one do I belong in? As much as I love school, and sometimes slip up and call it home, it will never truly be home to me. And yet, when I think of home, it's not the same any more. The best way that I can put it is in a combination of two songs. The first is Copeland's song "The Day I Lost My Voice" and the chorus describes how I feel when I have to pack and leave one of my two "homes":

I've got my life in a suitcase

I'm ready to run, run, run away...

I've got no time cause

I'm always ready to run, run, run away...

Cause everyday it feels like it's only a game

I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase...

That line, "I've got my life in a suitcase," has become all to real to me. It's become so easy to pack up all those meaningless things that we validate as our lives into suitcases (or in my case a navy bag) and move on. Especially easy for a college student who really does not have all that much in the first place.

The second song that really has hit me kind of speaks for itself. Jon Foreman's "Southbound Train":

I'm headed home

Yeah, but I'm not so sure

That home is a place

That will ever be the same...

Being in college for almost six months now has changed me immensely, and one of the ways that I'm realizing more and more that it has changed me is in the way that I view home. School is not my home, and, in many ways, my parent's home does not feel completely like home any more. Some how I have grown to feel like I have no Earthly home and time and time again I am realizing that my only true home is in heaven with my Father God. And with this realization, bad or not, I feel as if I will never have a true home on this Earth again. I long for home, but not one here, and is that necessarily a bad thing?

Poetry Anthology?

My senior year in high school, I took a creative writing class. One of the big assignments of this class was that at the end of the year we would make a booklet of our favourite poems and short stories with pictures. Today, as I was milling through my room at home, I came across a copy of my poetry anthology, named after Copeland's song "Good Morning Fire Eater". I think my favourite pare about this book was the cover:

It's an old French circus poster! I thought this one was so cool and I thought it worked with the eccentric qualities of many of the poems that I had written. So, as I was reading through the book, I thought it might be fun to share some of my favourites with you over the next few days. Tonight's is one where we were given a picture to write the poem about and a line that we had to use. This is the poem I came up with:

Coffee

Her world was a place of loneliness

Where the world would pass

By without a glance

She would stare into her coffee cup

And see the reflections of her soul

The black and cream would swirl together

Reminding her that she was alone

She would ponder life and love and happiness

None of which she had

The gathering darkness could be seen

Through the windows from where she sat

The bitterness that she felt

Was mimicked by the coffee

Burning her throat as it went down

The world passes by

Her world was a place of loneliness

The Fear of God

Lately I've been listening to the song "The Fear of God" by Showbread more and more. Every time it comes up on my iPod, I have to play it over again because of what it says. Every time that I hear the song, it completely wrecks me. It says:

Dear God, why should I think You're good in a world that's falling apart?
The flags and lies, picket signs raised high, the endless enveloping dark
Now here we sit, drifting further from You, two thousand years on their way out
Now here I am, as I've grown to know You, still haunted by my fears and my doubts
Just a man, just a vapor, just a waste of your space
All the good that I've done is in spite of myself
I'm not sure that I can look You in Your face when I finally set foot in Your kingdom
Dear God, what went wrong? We hate ourselves, we hate our brother
We so desperately want to find our way, and all You say is "love one another"
And little babies starve to death, emaciated, out of breath
Unfaithful wives make vows untrue, husbands beat them black and blue
Junkies vomit in the streets, writhing, twitching in their skin
Sell themselves to die some more, rotting from the outside in
Parents steal the innocence from their children, scared and shaking
Drink away the guilt at night, brings quiet to the endless aching
And evil men boast on TV, swimming in a sea of wealth
While misery beds honest men, and lonely people kill themselves
And everyone cries out Your name, as the world is raped by selfishness
And no one knows the way to heaven, we only know the emptiness
And the storm it rages in my heart, and the endless empty roars in my ears
My world is coming all apart, I've no strength left to dry my tears
And through it all I hear Your voice, breaking my heart, breaking my will
Calms the storm inside my soul as You whisper "peace, be still..."
You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen


I feel as though this song is a wake up call. A call to come out of our comfort and our complacency and help those who are hurting around us. Those people that we never notice, never see, they need our help and this song reminds me of that. Sometimes we need something like this to remind us of what we're really here for.