Marching On

A friend of mine signed this song at my college's talent show this past weekend.
It was the first time that I had heard it.
But, it almost brought me to tears.
I may be broken, I may be struggling, I may be fighting a war that I can't see the end of, but with God and those He's placed around me, I will keep marching.
This is not the end.
There is something greater coming.

For those days we felt like a mistake,

Those times when love’s what you hate, 

Somehow, 

We keep marching on. 

For those nights when I couldn’t be there, 

I’ve made it harder to know that you know, 

That somehow, 

We’ll keep moving on. 

There’s so many wars we fought, 

There’s so many things we’re not, 

But with what we have, 

I promise you that, 

We’re marching on, 

(We’re marching on) 

(We’re marching on). 

For all of the plans we’ve made, 

There isn’t a flag I’d wave, 

Don’t care if we bend, 

I’d sink us to swim, 

We’re marching on, 

(We’re marching on) 

(We’re marching on). 

For those doubts that swirl all around us, 

For those lives that tear at the seams, 

We know, 

We’re not what we’ve seen, 

For this dance we’ll move with each other. 

There ain’t no other step than one foot, 

Right in front of the other. 

There’s so many wars we fought, 

There’s so many things we’re not, 

But with what we have, 

I promise you that, 

We’re marching on, 

(We’re marching on) 

(We’re marching on). 

For all of the plans we’ve made, 

There isn’t a flag I’d wave, 

Don’t care if we bend, 

I’d sink us to swim, 

We’re marching on, 

(We’re marching on) 

(We’re marching on). 

Right, right, right, right left right, 

Right, right, right, right left right, 

Right, right, We’re marching on. 

We’ll have the days we break, 

And we’ll have the scars to prove it, 

We’ll have the bonds that we save, 

But we’ll have the heart not to lose it. 

For all of the times we’ve stopped, 

For all of the things I’m not. 

We put one foot in front of the other, 

We move like we ain’t got no other, 

We go when we go, 

We’re marching on. 

There’s so many wars we fought, 

There’s so many things we’re not, 

But with what we have, 

I promise you that, 

We’re marching on, 

(We’re marching on) 

(We’re marching on). 

Right, right, right, right left right, 

Right, right, right, left, right, 

Right, right, 

We’re marching on. 

Right, right, right, right left right, 

Right, right, right, left, right, 

Right, right, 

We’re marching on.

Beneath the Surface

I've been really missing David this weekend.
I can't think of anything that would be triggering it.
It's just... a hole in my life that no one can fill.
And the hard part is, I don't know how to express this feeling to those around me.
It is a barely noticeable sadness that is underlying my day to day activities.
It stays just below the surface so no one can see it, but every once and a while my skin wears a little thinner than normal and the grief sticks it's ugly head out.
I can't stop it.
It's there, and when it comes out, I need to feel it and I need to work through it.
I just don't know how many people actually are willing to fight this battle with me.
To hold me up when I'm struggling.
To raise my hands and encourage me to keep praising God when I want to give up.
Deep down inside, there is a voice that says to me every time the grief comes out, If the one who said he wanted to marry you couldn't handle your grief, who will be willing to listen?
It's irrational.
There are so many people who care deeply for me.
There are so many people who have been praying with me, for me.
Just because one boy could not handle my emotions, it does not negate every other person who is here.
And yet I hide it.
How many people who saw me today could tell I was struggling?
As far as I know, none of them.
I am afraid of expressing how I truly feel.
And so I put on a smiling face, and I go to church, and when people ask how I'm doing, I say just fine because I don't feel like they care enough to bear my burden of grief.
After all, grief scares people away, right?
I mean, really, how many of you want to sit with me while I cry because I miss my stepdad who has been gone for almost 6 moths now.
Most people would think, Get over it! Move on! It's been 6 months for gosh sake!
But honestly, I feel it more than I did in April.
The only difference is, no one wants to hear it from me now.
So, I go on missing him, with no one knowing.

True Love Waits

I've been playing more and more with the idea of getting a tattoo.
I have wanted for a long time now to make my body a canvas that I can add pieces of art or reminders of God's love to.
I have not gotten one up to this point mostly because of the desire to look professional when entering the work force, and making sure that it is actually something that I want to do.
But there is one that has been eating at my mind for the past month and a half, one that I think would be good for me in my healing process.
I have been thinking about getting the phrase "True Love Waits" in Hebrew tattooed on my left ring finger, right where a wedding band will one day sit.
There are two main reasons why I believe this would be good for me.
First off, it would be a constant reminder of how I want to be completely sure the next time a man comes into my life.
I want to be sure that I can love him unconditionally for all time, and that he will love me just as much, if not more.
I want to be sure before I give him my heart completely.
It would be a reminder that I don't want to give my heart away again and again, only to have it be broken.
It would be a reminder to not discuss marriage before the time has come that we are both one hundred percent sure that marriage is truly where we will end up.
After all, if it is true love, I should be willing to wait, as should he.
True love waits.
Secondly, the language that it would be written in is very near and dear to my heart.
My wonderful stepfather was working on becoming fluent in Hebrew when he passed.
One of the last times I saw him, he attempted to say the Hebrew alphabet for me.
He had a ring, that my brother now wears, that had Song of Solomon 6:3, "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine," in Hebrew on it.
It would be a reminder of him.
He would be able to be remembered when I get engaged, when I get married.
He would be present in a way.
And, it would be like him saying to me, like he so often did, "My Paigie girl, you need to wait for the best man for you."
It would come full circle.
Reminding me of my stepfather, of where God has me now, the man He is bringing me.
When I get married, the ring will cover it, and it won't show for the rest of my life.
I don't know when or if I will ever get around to getting it done.
(And my mama will have to approve first too)  ;)
But, the idea is beautiful in my mind...

Secret Admirer?

Today I got an email notifying me that there was a package waiting for me in the mailroom.
Curious, I thought to myself, heading over to pick it up.
I wasn't expecting anything in the mail, and part of me was hoping it was some sort of fluke, an error in the email system.
But, sure enough, I had a package of  Sharpies, not wrapped, no note, simply the package of Sharpies with my name on it.
I couldn't help myself, I started to laugh.
I said to the lady working in the mailroom, "I don't know who would have done this!"
She had a gleam in her eye, giggled a little bit.
"Did they just come and drop this off here?" I inquired.
She laughed a little bit more and said, "If I say anything I could get in trouble!" and walked off laughing.

So, three hours later, I still have not opened the package.
It has been puzzling me so much all afternoon.
Who sent them to me?
Should I open them?
What if it's some creepy guy who is stalking me?
What if it's some sweet, wonderful, secret admirer?
The person obviously has been paying attention because this type of pen was the only kind I used all last year.
Or is it a noob who simply knows who to ask the right questions?
It's crazy to let it get to me like this, but I MUST KNOW!!!!!!
Hopefully someone comes out soon....

I Don't Want a Boy

I don't want a boy pretending to be a man.
I don't want a boy with immature feelings.
A boy who is in his mid-twenties acting like he's still a teenager.
I don't want a boy.
I don't want a boy who would rather play video games than have an insightful conversation.
I don't want a boy who can't do what's right because it's too hard.
A boy who gives up when things get too rough.
I don't want a boy.
I don't want a boy who makes promises he cannot keep.
I don't want a boy who won't fully give his heart away.
A boy who is afraid to love.
I don't want a boy.


I want a man.
I want a man who just is.
I want a man who can express what is really going on beneath the surface.
A man, no matter what age, acts like a man.
I want a man.
I want a man who still likes to have fun, but would like to go for a walk rather than play Oblivion.
I want a man who will step up and do what is right, no matter the difficulty.
A man who will endure trials.
I want a man.
I want a man who does what he says he will.
I want a man who will completely give his heart to me.
A man that will love me with everything in his being, second only to God.

I want a man.
And I will wait for a man.

Emotions

A professor said in class this week:

Our bodies were not meant to carry the weight of what our emotions need to express.


I'm learning this balance.
Express what needs to be expressed.
Cry when I need to cry.
Share what I need to when it is appropriate to share.
Have others walk beside me, supporting me when I need supporting.
This life was not meant to be walked through alone.
And,
Our bodies were not meant to carry the weight of what our emotions need to express.