Monday, February 21, 2011

Working to be Loved

I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine once, and I remember them saying how they felt as thought they needed to try, to strive to achieve God's love for them.
I do not remember what my response was. And I'm not going to try to make up one.
What I do know though is that we have all felt this at some point or another.
We have to work to be loved by God.
It's amazing to me that we feel like this.
When you think about it, when you get down to the basics of the eternally haunting question Why are we here? I can only think of one response.
We are here to love God and be loved by Him.
It's an eternal romance that has spanned millenniums.
But all our striving to be good enough for God's love, all of what we work for, what we think we need to be, it all gets in the way of that romance.
I was watching some of the second season of Grey's Anatomy last night with my family, and there is one scene that keeps popping in my head as I'm writing this.
Dr. Burke, a perfectionistic surgeon comes into his bedroom to find his girlfriend, Dr. Yang, eating Chinese food on the bed. He's asked her to move in with him multiple times, and yet she still refuses. (I do not condone this behavior, just recapping the situation.)
Burke looks at her and says, "I am Preston Burke, a widely renowned cardiothorasic surgeon. I am a professional. And more than that I am a good and kind person. I am a person that cleans up behind myself. I am a person that cooks well. And you, you are an unbelievable slob. A slovenly, angry intern. I am Preston Burke. And you, you are the most competitive, most guarded, most stubborn, most challenging person I have ever met. And I love you. What the hell is the matter with you that you wont just let me?"
I laughed at the time, thinking it was funny, but thinking of it now, I realize that's exactly how it is with God and us.
God is perfect in every way. He can love us like no other. And yet, we won't let Him love us to the extent that He wants to.
I certainly don't let Him love me the way He wants to.
I guess that's something that I constantly want to work on.
I want to notice the little things that God does for me that He means to romance me by.
A warm breeze, a clear night's sky, a song I love coming on the radio, little things that are wonderful that God put there at that exact moment for me to notice and remember His love.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Home Again

Home again, home again... How I long to be home again...
When I first came to college, I had this aversion to spending time at home.
I think I was afraid that if I went home, I was not going to want to go back to school, that I would start to slip back into how life used to be and I would give up on my dreams and passions, the things that I fight to hold on to.
I cannot truly say for certain that this is what kept me from the farm house in my home town, so separate from the rest of the world, but looking back from where I stand now, I can see how that could very well be my subconscious thought at that time in my life.
Now I view home differently.
This little old farm house that I now sit in, surrounded by fields, buffeted so strongly by the wind that my bed shakes ever so slightly, has become a sanctuary for me.
When I need a reprieve from life, when I need to rejuvenate myself body, mind, and spirit, it is the place that I long to run to.
And I hope to keep my parent's house just that way.
It will always be a place of peace and sanctuary in my mind.
Tonight, I stepped out on the back patio for just a few minutes to enjoy the (relatively) warm breeze and stare up at the stars.
I cannot see the stars when I am at school... At least not in the same way.
They're dull, blurred out, faded from the city lights.
But tonight, standing out on the back patio, the wind whipping around me, tossing my hair everywhere, I was able to see them so clearly, and for a moment, all the stress that has been on me, all the planning for my future, all the interviews, all the applications, all the disappointments, everything just melted away.
It was just me and the sky.
It was just me and God
And for a minute, I was reminded of how blessed I am to have a God who loves me so much that he tailor made that specific moment to romance my heart, to say, I'm still here, I haven't left, lean on Me this next week, regain your strength from Me...
I get so caught up in life that I stop letting Him romance me.
He is my God, my father, my friend.... my lover.
Maybe I'll save that concept for another post.
For now, I am simply glad to be home to rest, relax, and destress.
Home again, home again... How glad I am to be home again.

Monday, February 14, 2011


I've had long hair for a fairly long time now.
The last time I cut it short was back in like third grade.
For the past couple years, I have toyed with the idea of cutting my hair short, doing something different with it, but I have never gotten up the courage to actually do it.
Right now, I'm about due for another haircut, and, as just about every other time I get my hair cut, I've been dancing around cutting it all off.
But this time feels a little different for me.
Instead of just cutting it off, I've been thinking about donating it, providing someone with cancer or a child with hairloss the ability to be confident again.
Make a difference while getting a new style.
It makes it feel like I'm doing something more than simply cutting my hair.
It gives me the courage to actually go through with it this time.
Besides the fact that I am basically in love with this haircut:
We'll see...
If I actually go through with it, I'll be posting pictures in a week or so!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Stressed Out

Life's been stressing me out lately.
Just a combination of not having a job, preparing for grad school, and applying to be an RA next year, life's been full of one stress after another.
In order to counteract this stress, I've been trying to pick up little mindless activities to help me relax.
I've started knitting again.
I've been journaling more.
And... I've been colouring.
Yep. I'm becoming something like a little kid and a grandma combined.
Ah, well... Every time I get stressed, I know I have something relaxing to go to.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Who I am

A friend said the kindest thing to me today, something that I really needed to hear right now.
He said that he was really proud of me.
He said he was proud of the fact that I have been able to change, to grow, to become closer to God, to become more sure of myself in who I am as a person and as a Christ follower.
I have been friends with this guy for years, went to youth group together, and it was good to just hear someone from my past recognize how much I've grown.
Over the past two years, I feel as though I have changed so much. People who know me now would not even recognize the Paige I was just two years ago, so they cannot even begin to comprehend this change. And there are so few cross overs from before to now, maybe two or three who were consistently in my life before and now, that other people only get glimpses of the "new Paige". Those people only know who I was.
And that is one of the things that I am not happy about.
I don't like who I used to be.
I was volatile, overly emotional.
I do not believe my anchor was as solidly in God as it should have been.
I guess the thing that was best for me was the fact that someone actually recognized that I have changed immensely, and that they liked that change.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Snow Day

I was severely disappointed to wake up this morning to only a few inches of snow. 
So, I came up with with this theory that the amount of snow we actually get is inversely proportionally to how much people worry about the pending storm. 

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Indie Movie

I adore really bad indie films.
Somehow they just work their way into your heart and the art of them makes you keep coming back.
With this love of indie films, I have come to the conclusion that if you took all of the really awkward moments from my life together, it would make a really funny, really horrible indie film.
It would not follow the typical girl-meets-boy, girl falls for boy, girl and boy end up together story line, but rather would be a collection of mini-stories, each showing a piece of my personality in some sick, satirical fashion that people would groan in shock over initially but grow fonder of as each clip passed by.
By the end, people would be oddly in love with this eccentric girl and her awkwardly pieced together life that somehow works.
I'll melt the hearts of millions with my simple, strange stories.
I think I'll go start writing the script now.

Top Four Reasons Why "Christian Dating" Sucks

I wrote this back in September, and just recently found it again. When I read it, I thought it might be fun to share! Enjoy!

Have you ever seen that Christian couple that is "waiting for God to give them the go-ahead" on their relationship? They say they're not dating --they would NEVER move faster than God!-- but they talk to/about each other all the time, they go places together, and they talk about how their partner is the "type of person they want to marry". These are the "Christian daters", and I was one of them for FAR too long. From my experiences, I have compiled a list of the top four reasons why Christian dating sucks.

4. What do you call them when you're not "together" anymore? That oh so awkward topic of ex's is made that much more complex by the fact that they don't really fall into the exact category of ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. If you don't get it, here's an example:
Paige - "You'll NEVER believe who I ran into the other night!"
Friend - "You're right, just tell me."
Paige - "My friend... Well, my... This guy I basically dated for like 6 months of my life."
Yeah, let's just avoid the awkwardness and just stick to calling the kettle black.

3. You think you're being "quiet" about it, but everyone knows. C'mon.... Do you REALLY think people are THAT stupid?! Trust me! I've been there! You think, oh, we won't tell any body! We'll keep it real quiet, real secret so when we finally come out with it, everyone will be super happy for us! Yeah... If it only worked that way! If people are around you, they're going to hear you talk about the person, see you light up when he/she comes around, and will be able to tell that you genuinely want to be near them. All these clear indicators point to only one option, you're "dating" without the title.

2. You distance yourself from God. Huh? God DESTINED us to be together! Hah! If God ordained you two to be together, you would not feel the need to keep it a secret, and you'd just commit to each other. Essentially, when you "Christian date," you are putting your feelings and your own selfish desires, along with the other person in the relationship ahead of God. You are putting God second and He does not bless anything that puts Him second. Focus yourself on God, seek after His heart above all else, pray for your future spouse, and God will bless you in more ways than you can imagine, just not necessarily in the ways that you think.

1. Lack of commitment. When you are just Christian dating, there is no title, as I previously stated. And that means that when one party wants out of the not-relationship, they can get off scott-free with none of the messy breakup stuff! ...Or so it seems. It actually creates more problems for the party who is essentially being ditched. They don't know if they did something, or if the other party simply got bored with them. Either way, it's a horrible thing to do to someone or have done to you. I'm not saying that placing the title of girlfriend or boyfriend on someone will automatically give them the common courtesy of telling you why they want out of the relationship, but it will institute more reasons of why they should.

NOTE: I am in no way saying that people should not wait to date. It is my strong belief that you need to make sure that it is God's will for you to be with someone before you start dating them, but at the same time, if you think you are supposed to be with someone, don't go sneaking around acting like you're dating when you say that you're not.