Whoops...

I'm on break.
*sigh*
Having recently passed my road test *celebration dance*, this is the first break that I have had where I have not been "stuck" in Avon.
I have the ability to escape to local coffee shops, libraries, etc. if I need somewhere else to... do homework.
Yes, I am the lame college kid who goes home for February break and does a MOUNTAIN of homework. Judge all you like, but I have all but finished my senior seminar book, and done a huge amount of editing and research :)
That being said, the other day (more like evening, but whatever) I decided to go down to the Avon Public Library to get some reading and editing done while my mom and brother were at community group.
It was a productive evening, and I headed back to pick the fam up right on schedule.

Now, my mom recently bought a brand new Chevy Cruze.

It is a BEAUTIFUL car! And it's super fun to drive :) 

It also came with one of those special On Star rear-view mirrors. 

Sweet. 

I feel safer on the road knowing that with one press of a button, I can have emergency vehicles, a tow-truck, or spare gas if I ever run out. 

Unfortunately, the placement of these buttons is not ideal. 

Yep. Those little buttons are right above the little flippy thing that shifts your rear-view mirror from shining headlights into your face to not. 

So, as I'm on my way to retrieve my family, the person behind me's headlights are shining in my face.

I reach up to flip the mirror, only to be rewarded with my radio turning off and a ringtone coming through the speakers. 

Uh-oh.

I hang up quickly. 

I figure out how to flip the mirror and continue down 5&20. 

Not 30seconds later, the car starts ringing again. 

I press the answer button on the steering wheel and call out, "Hello?" 

"On Star Emergency, this is Travis. What is your emergency?"

UH-OH! I PRESSED THE EMERGENCY BUTTON!!!

"Uh... Hi! I, uh, was trying to switch my rear-view mirror thingy so the headlights weren't in my face. I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to press the button!"

"That's okay ma'am. We just have to call back to make sure that you are alright."

"I'm fine! I'm so sorry!"

"You're fine ma'am. Have a good day."
"Sorry again! Goodnight!"

I'm pretty sure my face was just about as red as my mother's new car. 

Beauty vs. Attractivity

I have come to an interesting place in my life.
If someone were to ask me if I thought I was beautiful, I would reply yes in a heartbeat. There would be no hesitation, no doubt in my voice. I finally come to the realization that I am considered beautiful. I believe that. I know wholeheartedly that I am beautiful. There is no question in my mind about that.
However, if you were to ask me if I thought I was attractive to the opposite sex, I would most likely reply with a no.
It seems like such a conundrum, and I bet there are people reading this thinking, Paige, how is it that you can believe that you are a beautiful woman and yet still not believe that men think you are beautiful?
Unfortunately, I have no answer to that question.
I will however admit that I think it is a strange paradox that I am living.
The thing is, it took me a long time to get to the place where I could even believe that I am good looking.
For a long time, I did not think there was anything worth calling beautiful about me. I thought I was strange looking. That my features were not feminine enough. That I was fat. (Yes, even a skinny girl like me went through an "I think I'm fat!" stage). And, it took me a long time to shed those misconceived notions about myself. There was a lot that I had to work through to be able to look at myself in a better light.
But, even though I still struggle to feel pretty some days, I am in a place where most days I view myself in a very positive light.
That is until you mix in the question of the opposite gender.
That is when I get nervous, I get uncomfortable, I do not feel like there is anything worth looking at or considering beautiful about me in their eyes.
Recently, I was talking with two of my best guy friends about this; one an older brother figure, another who is probably one of the most wise men of God in my friend group. We had been discussing dating when somehow the conversation shifted to me. Somehow this insecurity came out, and my older brother asked me, "Paige, do you believe that you are the full package?"
I was stunned for a second, and then decided to answer honestly. Looking at him, almost in tears at that point, I answered, "No, no, I don't. I don't feel like any guy thinks I'm beautiful or that I'm worth the effort that it would take to be with me."
It was one of the first times I vocalized this outside the confines of the sister relationship I have with my roommate, and to hear it come out of my mouth sounded almost silly, but it was the truth.
So, I think that is the next step for me in this battle to feel beautiful. I must learn that I am attractive in the eyes of the men around me. I need to repair that disconnect between knowing I am beautiful in my being, and knowing that men find me attractive. I'll get there eventually, but until then, I will simply keep taking steps, doing things that seem to diminish the disconnect in my mind.