Beneath the Surface

I've been really missing David this weekend.
I can't think of anything that would be triggering it.
It's just... a hole in my life that no one can fill.
And the hard part is, I don't know how to express this feeling to those around me.
It is a barely noticeable sadness that is underlying my day to day activities.
It stays just below the surface so no one can see it, but every once and a while my skin wears a little thinner than normal and the grief sticks it's ugly head out.
I can't stop it.
It's there, and when it comes out, I need to feel it and I need to work through it.
I just don't know how many people actually are willing to fight this battle with me.
To hold me up when I'm struggling.
To raise my hands and encourage me to keep praising God when I want to give up.
Deep down inside, there is a voice that says to me every time the grief comes out, If the one who said he wanted to marry you couldn't handle your grief, who will be willing to listen?
It's irrational.
There are so many people who care deeply for me.
There are so many people who have been praying with me, for me.
Just because one boy could not handle my emotions, it does not negate every other person who is here.
And yet I hide it.
How many people who saw me today could tell I was struggling?
As far as I know, none of them.
I am afraid of expressing how I truly feel.
And so I put on a smiling face, and I go to church, and when people ask how I'm doing, I say just fine because I don't feel like they care enough to bear my burden of grief.
After all, grief scares people away, right?
I mean, really, how many of you want to sit with me while I cry because I miss my stepdad who has been gone for almost 6 moths now.
Most people would think, Get over it! Move on! It's been 6 months for gosh sake!
But honestly, I feel it more than I did in April.
The only difference is, no one wants to hear it from me now.
So, I go on missing him, with no one knowing.