Why Me?

NOTE: This includes a closer look into my mind and heart than I think I've ever posted. Some of what I say may shock people, my own thoughts certainly have shocked me, but it is a look at my life, and a discussion of the question "Why me?" that has been resonating in my mind for a couple weeks now. 




Why me?
I was thinking about that simple question the other day.
There are so many contexts to which it can be applied.
Why was I fortunate enough to be born in the country, day and age that I was?
Why am I able to go to the wonderful college that I am?
Why have I been blessed with such wonderful mentors, professors, and friends?
Why do people see wisdom and grace in my life?
Why me?
But, one area that stuck out to me is why have I not been more destroyed by the cards that life has dealt me?
When I tell people my story, the pain that I have had to walk through, many of them have cried. Many people don't understand how I've come through a lot of what I have, and honestly, I don't know either.
I walked through the divorce of my parents, which included so much more than any of you will ever get to hear about or understand, and lead to a long string of self-image, and self-confidence issues that I still deal with, though on a less intense level, to this day.
I've dealt with depression most of my life, a thorn in my side that part of me views as a blessing. I could see myself becoming a very arrogant, know-it-all if I didn't struggle with this one dark corner of my own mind. It keeps me humble, but it is still a struggle that I am conscious of on a daily basis.
More recently, I lost my step-father, a man after God's own heart who took my brother and I both under his wing and loved us as his own children. He passes away suddenly, unexpectedly, leaving all of us in shock, grieving, and, at least for me, questioning God's goodness. For a little while, I wasn't sure how I could continue to worship a God who could allow such a man of God, someone who was making such a difference in people's lives, to leave this earth. Honestly, I was mad at God for a little while. The question would run through my mind, You could have healed him, so why didn't You? 
Then there was the case of Jon. I loved him. We were supposed to get married next summer. I put my plans and my life on hold for a year so that I could be with him. But, my dreams, my plans, my life with him was dashed on the rocks the day our relationship ended. It was so sudden. It didn't make sense to me for a long time. It hurt more than I had ever imagined it. It sent me spiraling for almost a month, a spiral downward that it took a weekend away at a lake with my church family to break out of.
So, why is it that when people talk about me, they tell me I am wise beyond my years when I feel stupid just opening my mouth?
Why do they see a strong woman when all I can see in myself is weakness and frailty?
How can people describe me as a mature woman of God when I cry like a little girl when something hurts?
Why is it that my worship leader says I have a powerful prayer gift when I doubt my own relationship with God; the efficacy of my prayer life?
Why have I not been destroyed but rather seem to have flourished through these hardships?
I guess all I can say is that God has a plan, and somehow He's making me stronger.